New year... new prospects?

This week has been a rough one. It started with Christmas until now. I can't say that Christmas was horrible because it was good. I felt loved and remembered in the beginning half, but felt forgotten and left out in the second half. It was a difficult realization. Since then, it has been difficult having those thoughts in my head.

Then this week, I was looking at jobs like I always do and felt so hopeless. I tried looking outside my field, but anything that would even begin to cover bills (plus insurance which I need but can't afford) needs more experience and education within that field. Oh how I wish I was in a classroom teaching! Looking into subbing has proved to be discouraging as well. If I go into subbing, I would have to rely solely on subbing and subbing jobs to support myself, which also would probably not be enough. Then during spring break, I would not make anything (not good) and would have to find some sort of summer job to support myself. All this I would need to do while continuing to look for a permanent job.

Although I know that there are many people that are worse off than myself, it would be so much more helpful to have family that lived near by that I could move in with (and not be a burden) and put my stuff in storage. I find myself so often on the verge of tears and then play mindless computer games or watch tv to keep my mind from thinking. It becomes so overwhelming at times. I wish there was a job that I could work, that I was qualified for, that would support me, that would allow me to continue the tutoring commitments I already have, and that was available! Sigh. I know that God supplies all of my needs, but it is so scary to think of not being able to pay my bills and being evicted out of my apartment. :( I cannot help but be fearful and worry. I feel like I would have no where to really go. It gets so lonely here sometimes when I realize how far away people that could help me are. Sadly, I also realize that even if I was living with them, I would have trouble finding a job there as well.

I just really need a miracle... or a job or of money to cover me until that job comes available. I search relentlessly without any glimmers of hope. I keep hoping and praying that as the "normal" hiring time comes around (Feb, Mar, Apr) that people will be hiring even though budget cuts are still coming.

On a semi-positive note, I am working out again. It feels really good. I am taking it slower, but it is helping me feel "happier" during the day and makes me sleep better at night. It helps a lot and will help my image as well. I am hoping by the time I end up getting a job that I will be in shape and it will be a lifestyle for me. I have worked hard to cook better and we will see how it works. Travis seems to be liking my cooking, so I guess it can't be that bad. I am walking in my dad's shoes... testing out my recipes and cooking methods on myself and Travis. :) So far, I haven't made anyone sick. Hopefully, I will begin to take more of an interest in cooking and go shopping based upon recipes and using fresh food. I imagine I could spend a month with my cousin, Anne, and she could teach me how to cook healthy and master a bunch of different recipes.

Dave and Sarah's Rehearsal

Please don't mind the wobbling camera or the peanut gallery comments. :)

In this video, I wanted to capture the wonderful music, which I capture in later clips.

 

In this clip, I give a tour of the wedding ceremony area and the reception area. 

 

This is the beginning of the clip of the wedding rehearsal in order.

Thanksgiving... (mainly for Anne)

Wednesday - Arrival day for many. It ended up that most of us were able to meet up at dinner time. It was nice to be able to see everyone. After dinner, Kaitlyn convinced me to play in the pool, where I sat on the edge. Megan joined in while the rest of the family talked and played cards by the pool side. It was rare to see someone by themselves or in a room. When people were finally heading to bed, Kaitlyn still wanted to play, but conceeded to go to bed with the promise of more adventures the next day.

Thursday -- Happy Thanksgiving! Surprisingly many of us got up early in the morning and headed out to breakfast. I got to sit with Uncle Lance, Auntie M, Andrew, and Sarah. We had lots of interesting conversation. Following that, many of us sat around talking while we Skyped you. An old PE teacher came from the Double Tree side to visit with the siblings of your mom.

Then we started to get ready for Thanksgiving. The grownups met with Grandma first and then the rest of us came in for the service. The cousins led a lot of it, while Aunt Sandy led the order and Uncle Lance led the "tuning" of the songs. It went very well. They got emotional as I spoke and especially when I got to the part that Anne (you) wrote. It was very meaningful for many of them. We of course, sang How Great Thou Art. Most of us at my table, commented on how much better the food was compared to previous years, especially last year! The food was divine!

Afte eating came the dreaded pictures, but they went suprisingly quick this year. I was impressed. Immediately following, Kaitlyn changed into swimwear and convinced me to sit by the side of the pool and watch again as Megan and Emily joined her. Finally, I got her out as the water got colder.

Aunt Sandy took out Toy Story 3 uno which was played by many different people before and following the food time. The "snack" time was pretty good. We even had John's girlfriend come to Thanksgiving and meet the family. For now, I have become Kaitlyn's best friend and babysitter until I leave for wedding festivities. Most of the grownups are now playing cards and we were shown a Thanksgiving photo book thing from 2000 with lots of pictures of us and things we wrote to Pop-Pop and Mom-Mom about why we were thankful. We were so little and "cute" then!

Until later...

Reverting

So today begins day 3 of my new workout attempt. I think I secretly want to be skinny and pretty for Thanksgiving and my brother's wedding. My vanity came out to play. I believe I have placed it back where it belong and am back to doing it for the right reasons again. It makes me wonder how often in my life I have looked good but swore to myself I was not acceptable until I look back years later. It makes me hate society for placing this mindset on women and myself for buying into it when I slip into that mindset. I am feeling the effects of working out though so I know that I am doing something right for my body. I also know that my "bf" will appreciate it since he enjoys working out. Thankfully he is not completely about my image, although I am sure he wouldn't mind me being a healthier weight but usually he is bugging me about being healthy, not my weight.

Now to the reverting part of my post. I know that lately I have been on my emotional days as I call them. Normally I am not a very emotional person but when you catch me on those days beware! :) I spoke to a friend that I thought I had lost connection with years ago. I had made peace with losing the friendship but open to regaining it if the opportunity arose. It was a relationship I had strong ties wih and associations with my high school years, not my emotionally fondest. I was a needy, hurt, angry, depressed teen. I have grown a lot since then. I would say more through suppression, but through current friendships and relationships I believe I have been dealing with much of it now. This long desired conversation brought back many of the old feelings from that time period, especially since I am overly emotional now as it is. I am beyond determined to not go back to NJ and become a shy and submissive person. I have become someone much more independent and self-sufficient. I am going back a stronger person. However, if I do find myself reverting back when I get there I will know whether or not I have dealt with issues from my past. Subconscious memory does that to us, informs us when we are not ok. I believe I am ready though and this conversational regression was just from me being emotional. I just found it so odd how much I still had hidden away that one conversation brought up!

On a good note, I am mostly finished with my homework for the week, which means I can wrap all the presents for Texas people when they get here this weekend/beginning of next week. I also will be able to decorate the apartment for Christmas before I leave for Thanksgiving, which will be nice to come back to. Off to dreamland for a little bit so I can get the rest of my homework done. Apparently, I am on Korean time with my cousin again. :)

Korea cannot stop us

So yesterday was a good day. I believe my cousin and I talk more now that she is in Korea than we did in the states. It was great to just sit and talk with someone and to know that even though we are separated by distance, we can still collaborate and plot for Thanksgiving as always. Since I don't know when we have built a beautiful friendship. It has been such a blessing.

Lately, I have also been finishing my graduate work early so I can have the weekends to work on my Christmas cards. I am hoping to find my old Christmas letters to add to that blog, but that will come in time. I am just thankful for the responses to address I have received and the headway I have made at getting the letters out.

As the weather changes, finally, here in Texas, I am reminded that my adventure back to NJ is rapidly approaching. I hope to also see an old friend as she gets ready to watch her sister get married. I also get to see such a blessing for my brother when I return to the North during Thanksgiving. Tomorrow I also am blessed to be able to spend Halloween helping my little ones experience adventure at fall festivals and hunting for candy. :)

Well off to continue Christmas cards or snuggle next to someone warm. It's a bit cold outside!

One year ago...

I wanted to wait until I had finished all of my homework for the end of this class before I wrote about today. I have wanted to write about it all day, so now I finally get to.

One year ago today, I woke up to get ready to hit the snooze button before getting ready for work when I saw a text from my dad. The text told me that grandpa died during the night. After that, I didn't tell anyone until after school. I went through the day as if nothing was different. Of course, when I did tell people they were upset with me that I didn't tell them, but I didn't want to start with the sympathies. I needed to get through the day with my kids and it was a Friday, so that means it was crazy anyway.

I had homework to do that night and I am sure grading. There was probably also a football game that I talked myself out of. All I truly remember is walking through the day almost in a daze and then trying to figure out how I was getting home for the memorial. I already knew I was going to miss the viewing, which I wish that I didn't, but it was necessary. I am so grateful my aunt and uncle made it possible for me to see him before he died. I am glad that I decided to go. They were also the ones that helped to ease my worries about making it to the memorial service.

A year ago today, I still had a job. I was working and stressed, but had a job doing something that I love with cute little munkins. I had friends that I worked with that I enjoyed spending time with. Sadly, I actually enjoyed the stress. I must say that I actually have been enjoying the time of rest that God has granted to me, but sometimes I grow weary of it.

You want to know the best part about this time of rest though? I have been able to catch up on sleep, which I love. I was able to attend my cousin, Chris's wedding. During that time, I was able to spend quality time with my mom and family, which was so nice. I loved the shopping and bonding time with mom the most of course. The only bad part was the travelling. I am also able to attend Thanksgiving again, along with my brother's wedding and some extra time at home. I guess I should really not complain, but it would be nice to be able to have money to lavish on other people or go out sometimes again.

Well, I believe that it is time for me to head to bed now so I can start my break tomorrow. :)

Heaven is For Real

Since school started a week or so ago, things have not been easy. Sleep is sporadic, but I take it when it comes. I have chosen to forget that I am jobless and that in my brain equated to "no one wants you". It has filled me with many emotions and different people. Anger, rage, hurt, disappointment, betrayal, and the list goes on. Mostly, I am frustrated that I seem to no longer have a purpose for things. I complete graduate work and do nothing else with my day. I have no energy and no love for life... or anything for that matter.

As I went to sleep tonight, I decided to read a bit on my lovely Nook. I had seen a few of my friends comment on how wonderful Heaven is For Real was to read, so I decided I should read it. I had just finished a series, so I decided I could do this one to have a change in flavor. I flew through the book and was amazed. It was a good read and made me truly think. Funny how lately I had been thinking about death, heaven, hell, and the reality of God. I must say that this whole job and life in general has put a toll on my faith and my reality... if I ever really had one. There are many times when I know what I believe and others where I am like "who am I kidding?". I can speak so much truth and yet not believe it all myself. Sometimes, all the time, when things come out of my mouth laced with truth and love from the throne, I know that is exactly where it comes. It is not really ever out of my mouth, but His speaking to whom ever I am physically talking to. It always amazes me, but then I wonder how I lack so much in faith.

After reading that book, it brought a lot of thoughts to my mind, especially because it's almost a year since Grandpa died. He is truly the first person in my life who has died that I was close to, that had any meaning in my life. I always wondered in truth whether those who have died watch us and truly look over us from heaven. In my loneliness many things go through my mind. These years of living completely alone have been so difficult and pulling at my faith. When I began living on my own, November 2009, started the hardest parts of my life. I had never truly lived alone until then. Living with other people around you changes things. Yes, there are times when we all need a little "me time" and solitude, but not all the time. Teaching gave me other people with whom to interact, but now I have once again succeeded in cutting myself off from most all other living flesh. I hardly leave the house and wonder how my Grandma does it. After being married and living with my Grandpa for over 50 years, how does she live alone? I cannot imagine! How does she keep her prayer life and seeking after God so strong with all that loneliness and with that void? I cannot fathom it! However, while I was at her house during my week with her, I noticed I found God a lot more within that house. I woke up while she was out walking and would bask in the sweet presence of God in the cool mornings with nature on her porch. Later, she told me that was Grandpa's favorite spot too... the porch. I could not help but bask in that beauty. I spent most of my time out there and accomplish the most productive work of my graduate career out there. I think I probably owe a lot of that to the prayer that the house was surely covered in. After reading that book, reflecting on my time at her house, and looking at my own loneliness struggles, I admire my Grandma more for her strength... or at least the strength that she portrays. I know that we all have our own struggles and when people are around it is easier to forget about them, but I do not believe that is the case with her.

Anyway, these have been my sleepless thoughts since I finished the book 3 hours ago. I should have gotten more rest since I planned on getting my nails done today before heading over to lunch with Lizzy and the family. My nails are coming up and it's getting caught on my hair! Today will be one of those strength for others days when I will go there, be fine, and have fun only to come home and be hit with the harsh realization that I am still alone in this apartment without a job. Sigh. I do not like this at all. Perhaps this is my sign that I cannot deal with this on my own anymore and should seek out more help? Hmm... a thought to contemplate. The book has definitely sparked some thought and made me wish I was back in my "shouting days" and love of singing, God, and others. I was a zealous middle schooler/high schooler. I wish I could go back to that era, before my world changed at 16.... but we must not live in the victories and zeal of the past.

Now to try at get some sleep before my alarm goes off at 9! Sleeping to the Gateway College Choir... awesome choir with awesome anointing if you needed some good listening!

Procrastination

Sometimes I sit and wonder how procrastination became my friend. So often we sit and debate with each other about what to do. I don't quite remember when we became friends. I believe it just crept upon me. I got to know procrastination as a middle schooler (or that's as far back as I can remember). Between the art of B.S. (brilliant storytelling according to Dr. Johnson) that was learned at an early age and the leniency of teacher with a hint of intelligence, I think procrastination found all the common thread of a friendship. Over the years, procrastination has been there for me, but a good friend no more. I need to drop this friendship quickly and find a new friend. I have been trying to get to know self-determination and motivation lately, but they are having a hard time connecting with me since procrastination and I have been friends for so long. In recent years, procrastination has not controlled me as much as it used to in earlier years, but I still believe the friendship has come to an end. I am just not sure if new friends will come along or not and how strong those bonds will be in the future. I am not good with letting go... and procrastination is one that I will have trouble with because we have been friends for so long. However, I believe that perhaps it is time.

Thoughts? How did you break your friendship with procrastination?

The Help

So I have decided that if I don't have any interviews, which I probably won't, I am going to see The Help in theaters this week. It looks like it would be a good movie and something I would totally do. Lol. If you know me, you would know what I mean by that.

The job search has not been proving to go well. Good part is that I am having places to put in applications to write down as "job searches". That way I can still get unemployment. I am hoping not to be a last minute hire, but it looks like it might have to be that way. That hardships that go with last minute hiring are throwing together a classroom, getting to know people and curriculum on a whim, and possibly moving if necessary. It can get very tricky very fast. I just hope that it won't be extremely difficult. I have been through some tough 3 years. They were not all the same level of difficulty, but difficult just the same.

As I am towards the end of my summer coursework, I am beginning to look forward to completing my Masters in May. It doesn't seem so far away now. I just pray that I can finish this summer out strong to finish my my summer GPA with a 4.0. It looks promising, but I have two more weeks left.

Now if only my body could get out of wack and put itself back on schedule, life would almost be back to normal. lol.

Patience

Since losing my job, I always have good thoughts and intentions, but actions never follow through. I have gotten so discouraged. I need extra motivation and extra push, but where do I find that? Relying on others is so tough. I need a friend to just come in and help me accomplish what needs to be done and keep me motivated.
I think that I put on the image of handling things well. I am not. I am so torn, distraught, and broken with all of this. Lying to myself about being ok and lying to others is so much easier. Unless you have been in the same situation, it is hard to understand. I feel pretty betrayed and unwanted. I feel inadequate. I am still trying to hold out and hold on to the hope that will come through, but it is getting extremely difficult. It's hard to do when you feel so alone. The uncertainty of everything is weighing heavily on me. The longer this takes, the heavier the weight of it all is.

I am trying to stay positive and take things one day at a time. I am keeping up with my studies and my 4.0 goal. I need to spend more time with friends, but I feel like I am such a downer that I can't do that. I don't want to burden them and everyone else has a job and life to live. I am truly just ready for God to open up this next chapter. I am ready for this chapter to end and turn to the next page to see what happens.

Searching

I am quite confused, while frustrated. I cannot believe how things went. I am mad. I am bewildered. I just need to walk out to the beach and scream or sit with music or a good friend... none of which I can do right now. I am far to exhausted with life and events to do much except exist.

On a positive note, I may end up finding exactly who and what God wants for my life. New times, new adventures, and new people? I also meet the "ladies-in-law-to-be" today with the bros. That was a lovely time of laughs and awkwardness. :) It made me wish we all lived in the same area. The weirdness was when people got "lovey-dovey" and there was no "couple" for me to be a part of. I usually floated between couples... until mini golf. We all got together really well as a whole group. The couples thing made it difficult and awkward at times, but it is something that I need to get used to with distances as they are and situations as they are. All part of my life choices and directions.

Real and true?

I am not sure if this is real or if it is true. I keep telling myself that it is what I want and that it's my dream. There are many times though when I am not sure. I often sit and wonder if there is more out there. I think about there being something better out there. Maybe there is something that fits all the criteria. Maybe I am settling for what I only think I am capable of deserving.

Homesick

Today I got kind of homesick. I must say that this weekend, I have been procrastinating and acting like I have no work to do. I think I am pretending that it is already summer when it is not yet. lol. I was talking to my best friend and it's just weird to think how far apart I have grown from so many people. It has been almost 2 years since I have been back to NJ (minus the visit to my sick grandfather and his funeral in October). Things have just been crazy. I don't know how I will handle being back there this time. Here sort of feels like home, but since this is a rented apartment I cannot do anything I want to it. I am ready to get a house that I can put my own touch on. I am ready to make a "home" out of where I am living. Going back is going to be really weird. There are a lot of changes and people who are not there. There are many people that I have not spoken to in ages. That could always be awkward. I hope that the friendships that I had built over the years have lasted the test of time and distance. However, so often so many of us put on fake fasades to appease other people. Why should we lie to ourselves and each other? It only makes things worse and harder to deal with later.

I truly do wonder how many are really my friends. I know that I should know, but I am so unsure. My best friend said today that I should really know by now who my true friends are. I can't say that I honestly could say for sure who I would want to keep or cut out. I know that a lot of people have moved on with their lives, and not really forgotten about our friendship but life happens. It has happened on my end too. I just wonder how many people I could truly say that we are being honest and true to each other's friendship. How many are putting on a facade? How many are being happy and pleasant to make it through the visit? How many truly do miss me and care about me the way I do for them? I know that I am THE WORST ever at communicating with people and letting them know I am here and care, but truly it does go both ways. It cannot rely solely on one person. I think for so long I felt like it relied solely on me to iniate the conservations and visits. I mean, I do go up there and hardly any of them come down here to see me. Between being here for college and then living here, I think I eventually got tired of being the first person to start a conversation or to request a visit. I am just so tired of having to try so hard. I know that relationship, including friendships, require work to stay alive, but it really shouldn't be this hard or feel this one-sided right?

Thoughts?

Lately...

So, it's been dramatic lately. I don't know what it is. Maybe there is something in the air. I am not quite sure. What I do know is that I am getting sick and tired of it. Job drama, family drama, friend drama, man drama... gosh. I don't know what other kind of drama there possibly could be left. I really do not intend to find out either. I am just ready for it to all be over.

Lately, sleep has not been evading me, just unwinding. I do not know how I cram so much into a day. It is quite ridiculous. All the stuff that I am doing for other people when I am not returning. I should have given up when I found out, but that's not my M.O. It just gets so frustrating to feel like you are doing so much when you are being booted for "not doing enough" and you feel like no one sees you, especially now that you are booted. Why do I care so much? Because I am committed and I was raised better than that. I just wish sometimes that others would realize I have a life too. I know that I am single and have no family here, but that almost makes it worse. When they are stressed or worn out, they have an escape. Where is mine? I feel like I have none.

I need to start going back to church. I really wish I had never stopped going. I just feel so overwhelmed and taken over. It's awful.

I just wish I knew what was going on lately. I wish I knew what life had in store. Friends... what are those? People in your life to call family? I don't know where those people lie... it's just so weird. I feel so lost and alone. I have maybe 1 to 3 people who I can truly say I trust with my life. It's probably not even the people you would think. A year ago it would have been so different, but now... life could go any way. I could go anyway.

Lately.... what the heck?

Slacker

So I have been a slacker and not updated in a while. I am usually so busy on the computer that I forget, even though I put a widget on my computer just so I would remember. I also have an app on my phone, but apparently that is too much too. Things have been crazy and all upside down.

Family... I am still not speaking to my mom. Dad probably has no clue. Talking with my siblings is not really something that I do either. My cousins are great, mainly one. She is wonderful and we click so well together now that we are older. Although, we have always pretty much clicked, it's just more pronounced now.

Friends... My bestie up north and I.... um yeah. It's pretty rocky on my end for money reasons. I don't know how this is going to work. I can't handle it much longer. I hold my tongue, but I can't keep it calm for much longer. I know that words are very powerful, but this is getting to me a little much. I know we are besties and all, but there are some things that you just don't do. My bestie here, he is phenomenal! He has kept me sane and grounded here. I have become disconnected from quite a few of the people that I have been closer too and he has totally picked up the slack on that and is there for me 24/7. When I need him to be there, he shows up. When I need him to make me feel like a million bucks, he comes through and more. The other day we had lunch at one of our many "spots" and he just made me feel like I was worth so much more than I know. I heard that a lot this week, but it's always different coming from him.

Relationship... we are up and down all the time. I don't know how much longer my love for him can hold on by this thin thread he has me on. The thread goes from thick to thin so quickly. I don't think I could live with things as they are for the rest of my life. I might be looking elsewhere soon if things don't get better. He really should be getting tips from my friends who know me the best, aka besties!

Job... My job situation is still the same. My last day is quickly approaching. I began taking some of the smaller things down and storing them in the room if they are supposed to stay there and taking home things that are mine. sigh. I hate this part. I started crying while I was doing it. Good thing I had music and work to consume my thoughts. I was up there for about 3 or 4 hours, which is the longest I have been up there on a weekend lately. Searching for a new job has proved to be an epic fail right now. I have applied to a bunch. I might have to look for something outside of the profession I want soon. However, I know that if I leave my current profession, there is no guarantee that I will actually continue in the direction I am going, which sort of saddens me.

I think I might just be ready to throw in the towel sometimes. There is just so much to do. However, I have been tanning, doing an infrared sauna, dieting, drinking more water, and exercising. All of that has really given me more energy and a body weight to strive for. That has been totally helpful for me. Now to find a way to get to NJ and have fun for 2 weeks this summer without going broke!

Tired of Men

I am so tired of men letting me down. So the ex yesterday was going on and on about everything. He whined and complained and got absolutely nothing done no matter what I said. Meanwhile, he neglected to realize that while he was sitting there complaining and I was having to "make him feel better" he was interrupting my work. He did it again today. Again, it is him being selfish and not realizing that I have work to complete as well. It's not just him that feels overwhelmed. I think he forgets that I have just as much on my plate as he does, if not more because I cater to him! Gosh, I need a real man who can treat me right and take care of me. Where is he?

The job today was ok. It went well for a Monday until the last 40 minutes or so of the day. Then it got to be difficult. Tomorrow the boss is picking me up since my car is in the shop. I am so grateful to have a boss that will do that for me, but I am concerned about how awkward the car ride could or could not be due to the circumstances. On a positive about jobs, I have applied (or almost applied fully) for two jobs. Neither are in areas that I have previously worked, but since I am qualified for either one, I guess it doesn't matter. It makes me feel a little bit better knowing that I could potentially find a job next year. It also makes me want to get these "goodbye letters" for my current job going. I know, I am a sentimental person, but I say things better with words on a page instead of coming from my mouth. I woudl rather write it out and have them read it later instead of me trying to say everything that I feel. I have a countdown on my computer for the last day, which is about 66 days away. I will have to get cracking on those letters soon.

Well, it is time for bed since I have finished entering all my data into the computer and completed as much grad school work as I can keep my eyes open for! Until next time!

Graduate Education Professor

So, if you ever go to school for teaching or education, they always teach you to scaffold and give sufficient parameters for every assignment you give. I find it interesting that graduate level professors in the education profession cannot do the same. All of these professors have been through education schooling, so why would they not know? Just because I am grown and a graduate student, it does not mean that you do not have to fully explain the assignments you give! In fact, I expect you to explain it better because we can meet and exceed the parameters given. The part that bugs me most is that the student gets screwed in the long run. When a teacher does not given proper directions and instructions, the students end up getting points taken off because they did not perform up to expectations, but you didn't even know what the expectations were! This current grad class is going to kill me. I will do everything in my power to not have this professor again. I just don't understand how you can be a teacher and not know that you need to give your expectations of what you want and how you want it. GIVE DETAIL! Ugh! It makes me want to get my doctorate so that I can go be a college or graduate professor and do things the right way!

Today also hit me hard again that I won't be at my current job. It hurts so much. I care about these people that I work with and have made relationships with these people. I am even doing well with not pulling back just because I know that I am leaving. Every time that I know I will be leaving somewhere and will be hurt by the loss of relationships, I pull away and hurt myself before it really happens. I haven't done that. In fact, I have been solidifying my relationships in the hopes that I will by some miracle be staying. The more I hear about the budget situation, the less hope I have about staying in my current profession. No one will be hiring in my profession and it is killing me. I know that if I stop I will never return. Deep in my heart of hearts, I would like to wish that this will not discourage me and prevent me from doing what I have enjoyed doing, but I think that it will. As per my last post, there are so many doubts and questions that are going on in my brain. I am unsure what to think. I hate having to leave friends, make new ones, and am petrified of major changes that I did not pre-allow to happen! It's not fair that I have to leave, and I have become so attached. I have even become attached to people that I just met this year! I never make friends that quick. I hate this! I hate that I am so willing to still do so much for that place even though I know that I am leaving and may not be able to survive because they let me go. I do it because I want the people I leave behind to have it good. I want them to be able to have the legacy I can leave behind. I hate that I have to pack up my entire work space and move it all out. I don't have space in my apartment for all that. Everyone is giving me the pity party when they find out, but so many are just avoiding it or giving me small talk. Except those who are closest to me and know how I feel about the whole situation, I always analyze everything they say. I always wonder what people are thinking of me when they look at me. I can't help it. I hate feeling like I am being talked about and judged. It is not fun by any mean, but that is exactly what I feel like is happening whether or not it truly is. Sigh. I need to get some sort of outlet.

Well, it is way later than I should have been staying up. Maybe I will pull an "all-nighter" and get some of the grad work done so that the next time I wake up I can have a small breather before the next week of classes start. Then I can get the work for my job done. Sigh.

Week after Spring Break? No way!

I know it is only Tuesday, but I keep having to question whether this is truly the week right after spring break! The kids are just being phenomenal, sometimes even the normal disruptors. That is shocking! Break did us all well. Lately, I have been eating better, working out, and tanning. I have stayed up-to-date with my grad work (sort of) and I just put in all the grades I have. Tomorrow I will be giving two more tests, two benchmarks Thursday, a test Thursday, and at least two more tests Friday. YIKES! Maybe I will squeeze them in earlier since grades are due Friday before we leave and I really need to get my car fixed.

Since spring is started now here in Texas, I need my air vents and AC to be working properly. They supposedly fixed the AC, but now the air won't even blow out of the vents, so who knows if it works? I also need my oil changed and my tires checked. I am trying to get my car into road trip shape. I know that the car is 10 years old, but it can survive another Jersey drive. I will probably drive straight through again. Hopefully, my ex (who hopefully won't be my ex anymore by then) and I are trying to go up there together this year. We are going to stay in a hotel since I am still upset with my parents (mainly mom). I will see my brothers, but the parents... ehh. I am too stubborn to make the first move when she is the one pushing me away and hurting me. Whatever. I am excited for the drive and to show my ex the parts of the US that I know. There is so much beyond this state that so many people call home. I find it amazing that so many locals have NEVER left the state! They do not know what they are missing!

I am so ready to hit up the Jersey Shore. No, not like in the show Jersey Shore, although I will probably go to some of the same beaches and places because that is where I have always gone. I am hoping to take my ex to see NYC, Philly, DC, Baltimore, and the Jersey Shore... along with all that part of the East Coast has to offer. Who knows when he will be back there again. I cannot wait to see the ocean and beaches and just the scenery of Jersey. I am definitely excited to catch up with some old church friends and old school friends who are still around.

Speaking of church, I have not been going lately. I know, that must mean I am a horrible person. Since being told that I was being laid off due to budget cuts, I have been going through the questioning phase. I wonder why is this happening to me? Why was I not good enough? Should I really keep teaching? Why not some of the others? Why don't I stand out enough? I know these are all questions that I should not be asking because I know all of the answers, but I sometimes doubt the answers that I have. I know during this time is when I should be turning to God the most, but frankly, my relationship was already struggling.

Sadly, I can make it look so good on the outside. I know what to say and when to say it. I know all the right things and the code words for good relationship with God. I am very knowledgeable about the Word, but when it comes to the relationship part of things, I am HORRIBLE. I am a tangible person when it comes to relationships. I need communication here and now. I think that is why music speaks to me so much. I can sing to him and then he sort of speaks back through the beautiful harmonies, dissonances, and resolutions. He speaks to me through sunsets and little surprises. I just have such a hard time really digging into his word and talking to him. It is such a struggle for me. Considering that I have been closing off myself from people anyway, it sort of makes sense that I am closing off from God. He should be the last person that I even think about closing off from. Lately, I have just felt so helpless. I am so tired of talking about how frustrated I am about being laid off. I am tired of wondering why not some of the others that could have left too. I am tried of wondering why me if EVERYONE is asking the same question about the decision to let me go and people are constantly praising me. I guess it is a testament to my faith in Christ and living out my life according to what he has called me to do, but really? (sigh) I just wish sometimes that all those compliments would have come sooner. I wish that those compliments didn't feel like smacks in the face because no matter what they say, I am still having to leave. My heart aches, although I try not to let it show. I hate having to meet new people and make all new friends in a workplace. I did it at my first job and then had to leave, but I have been here two years and cannot imagine teaching anywhere else. I want to write "cards/letters" to all the people that have made my 2 years teaching there wonderful, but the more I think about about it, the more I want to almost write everyone a card/letter. Of course, it will really only be the limited few because I do not have time to write heartfelt letters to everyone or buy a cute card for all of them either.... although maybe I could buy bulk blank cards. I could write a mini message or memory to each of them and then the LONG letters to the rest. There are about 6 people that I would really be writing the long ones to that I regret having to leave. I know that we all will say that we will keep in touch and remain friends, but I know how that goes. Once I leave there we will talk for a while, then gradually as weeks and months pass and they still work there and I don't, we will stop talking more and more until eventually I am just a distant memory. I hate that! My heart just aches, especially because I always envisioned myself working here until I retired and staying in this area unless the man I marry has to move for job purposes! Oh well. God knows best and apparently he has other plans for me that he hasn't mentioned yet.

It is way past my bedtime and I am tired of waiting for gmail to finish "finalizing" this email that was supposed to be sent hours ago. The toil of sending pictures through email. (sigh)

Spring Break

What an adventure it is has been. My cousin started it off. Then I went to my friend's house in Austin. That was great. I had a lot of fun. Rest wasn't gotten as much as I had thought and sometimes it felt awkward. There was lots of fun girl time, karaoke, and shopping. I got to see what her workouts look like, and man it's tough! So glad I am starting out slower! The drives to and from Austin weren't too bad because of the music I had to rock out to while I was driving. God really kept me safe during so many times when an accident really should have happened or I was delayed because of one.

He also did a God only thing. My best friend, who lives in the same town as me, and I hadn't seen each other in a while, so something inside me said to text him and tell him that I was back in town. It turned out that he was going through something. It was a God thing that I was able to step in a help out and see him. I missed him so much. He is wonderful! Any woman that marries him will have to be high quality and I have to approve. He is such a wonderful, talented, understanding, supportive, and God-fearing man. I do not know what I would do without him in my life. I wonder sometimes why all men cannot be like him. I wonder why I could not have a father like him.

Then of course, my ex, who I still talk to, had to come in with all this crazyness texting me about stuff that I had no control over. I make little suggestions and try to make things fun, and he goes and complicates everything. He just ruins a good time. I think I do compare him to my best friend. My boyfriend/future husband should be able to be my best friend! It almost makes me wish my best friend could be my future husband. He has become such a wonderful person. I have watched him grow and change into this wonderful person because he is letting Christ change him. I am so proud of who he has become. My ex just keeps reverting back to who he used to be before we broke up. I want him in my life... maybe even one day marry him, but he needs to think of OTHERS! God has to be the purpose for his change not me. I just don't know how much longer I can wait. I don't know if he can truly get me back.

Tomorrow, I am getting my car worked on. Then it is time to do me... nails, tan, and CLEAN!!! I am tired of looking out for people who don't look out for me too. Why should I look out for you if you don't look out for me? I get tired of putting other people first who appear to care nothing about me. If I don't look out for me when you don't, then who will? I have got to take care of me. So, now you are free and you don't have to tell me what to do because that is not caring about me, that is bossing me around.

Lost

So recently I learned that I was losing my job. I love my job and the people there. I do not know what I will do. I know that I must trust God and that He is going to come through for me with another job, but it's so difficult. On top of that, when I told my mom about losing my job, she was less than supportive. Why? Because of drama at home. Who would have thought that moving out of the house basically cuts you off from them? Now, she is "allowing" me to cut myself off from her just as she basically did from her mother... great! Sigh. I also was smart enough to cosign a loan for my bff. Sadly, she is now extremely behind, which means all these legal things could start happening to her and me as well since I cosigned. I am so pissed! I had finally gotten my life on the right track money wise and now have lost my job, family support, and will be having to pay for her stuff? No way! I am beyond pissed, beyond livid, beyond the friendship right now. I am hurt. I feel like my trust has been broken. I feel like I will go insane. Plus, my lovely ex who is trying to get back with me was doing so much better, but now we are back to the complaining and whining again. GAH! I just can't take this anymore. I feel so lost within a sea of people. I am confused inside my own head. There doesn't seem to be a way out that is not dangerous. I started this blog in hopes that I can work out my inner inklings and thus, attain some sort of sanity on my own, without professional, expensive help. Here's to hoping!