Week after Spring Break? No way!

I know it is only Tuesday, but I keep having to question whether this is truly the week right after spring break! The kids are just being phenomenal, sometimes even the normal disruptors. That is shocking! Break did us all well. Lately, I have been eating better, working out, and tanning. I have stayed up-to-date with my grad work (sort of) and I just put in all the grades I have. Tomorrow I will be giving two more tests, two benchmarks Thursday, a test Thursday, and at least two more tests Friday. YIKES! Maybe I will squeeze them in earlier since grades are due Friday before we leave and I really need to get my car fixed.

Since spring is started now here in Texas, I need my air vents and AC to be working properly. They supposedly fixed the AC, but now the air won't even blow out of the vents, so who knows if it works? I also need my oil changed and my tires checked. I am trying to get my car into road trip shape. I know that the car is 10 years old, but it can survive another Jersey drive. I will probably drive straight through again. Hopefully, my ex (who hopefully won't be my ex anymore by then) and I are trying to go up there together this year. We are going to stay in a hotel since I am still upset with my parents (mainly mom). I will see my brothers, but the parents... ehh. I am too stubborn to make the first move when she is the one pushing me away and hurting me. Whatever. I am excited for the drive and to show my ex the parts of the US that I know. There is so much beyond this state that so many people call home. I find it amazing that so many locals have NEVER left the state! They do not know what they are missing!

I am so ready to hit up the Jersey Shore. No, not like in the show Jersey Shore, although I will probably go to some of the same beaches and places because that is where I have always gone. I am hoping to take my ex to see NYC, Philly, DC, Baltimore, and the Jersey Shore... along with all that part of the East Coast has to offer. Who knows when he will be back there again. I cannot wait to see the ocean and beaches and just the scenery of Jersey. I am definitely excited to catch up with some old church friends and old school friends who are still around.

Speaking of church, I have not been going lately. I know, that must mean I am a horrible person. Since being told that I was being laid off due to budget cuts, I have been going through the questioning phase. I wonder why is this happening to me? Why was I not good enough? Should I really keep teaching? Why not some of the others? Why don't I stand out enough? I know these are all questions that I should not be asking because I know all of the answers, but I sometimes doubt the answers that I have. I know during this time is when I should be turning to God the most, but frankly, my relationship was already struggling.

Sadly, I can make it look so good on the outside. I know what to say and when to say it. I know all the right things and the code words for good relationship with God. I am very knowledgeable about the Word, but when it comes to the relationship part of things, I am HORRIBLE. I am a tangible person when it comes to relationships. I need communication here and now. I think that is why music speaks to me so much. I can sing to him and then he sort of speaks back through the beautiful harmonies, dissonances, and resolutions. He speaks to me through sunsets and little surprises. I just have such a hard time really digging into his word and talking to him. It is such a struggle for me. Considering that I have been closing off myself from people anyway, it sort of makes sense that I am closing off from God. He should be the last person that I even think about closing off from. Lately, I have just felt so helpless. I am so tired of talking about how frustrated I am about being laid off. I am tired of wondering why not some of the others that could have left too. I am tried of wondering why me if EVERYONE is asking the same question about the decision to let me go and people are constantly praising me. I guess it is a testament to my faith in Christ and living out my life according to what he has called me to do, but really? (sigh) I just wish sometimes that all those compliments would have come sooner. I wish that those compliments didn't feel like smacks in the face because no matter what they say, I am still having to leave. My heart aches, although I try not to let it show. I hate having to meet new people and make all new friends in a workplace. I did it at my first job and then had to leave, but I have been here two years and cannot imagine teaching anywhere else. I want to write "cards/letters" to all the people that have made my 2 years teaching there wonderful, but the more I think about about it, the more I want to almost write everyone a card/letter. Of course, it will really only be the limited few because I do not have time to write heartfelt letters to everyone or buy a cute card for all of them either.... although maybe I could buy bulk blank cards. I could write a mini message or memory to each of them and then the LONG letters to the rest. There are about 6 people that I would really be writing the long ones to that I regret having to leave. I know that we all will say that we will keep in touch and remain friends, but I know how that goes. Once I leave there we will talk for a while, then gradually as weeks and months pass and they still work there and I don't, we will stop talking more and more until eventually I am just a distant memory. I hate that! My heart just aches, especially because I always envisioned myself working here until I retired and staying in this area unless the man I marry has to move for job purposes! Oh well. God knows best and apparently he has other plans for me that he hasn't mentioned yet.

It is way past my bedtime and I am tired of waiting for gmail to finish "finalizing" this email that was supposed to be sent hours ago. The toil of sending pictures through email. (sigh)