Homesick

Today I got kind of homesick. I must say that this weekend, I have been procrastinating and acting like I have no work to do. I think I am pretending that it is already summer when it is not yet. lol. I was talking to my best friend and it's just weird to think how far apart I have grown from so many people. It has been almost 2 years since I have been back to NJ (minus the visit to my sick grandfather and his funeral in October). Things have just been crazy. I don't know how I will handle being back there this time. Here sort of feels like home, but since this is a rented apartment I cannot do anything I want to it. I am ready to get a house that I can put my own touch on. I am ready to make a "home" out of where I am living. Going back is going to be really weird. There are a lot of changes and people who are not there. There are many people that I have not spoken to in ages. That could always be awkward. I hope that the friendships that I had built over the years have lasted the test of time and distance. However, so often so many of us put on fake fasades to appease other people. Why should we lie to ourselves and each other? It only makes things worse and harder to deal with later.

I truly do wonder how many are really my friends. I know that I should know, but I am so unsure. My best friend said today that I should really know by now who my true friends are. I can't say that I honestly could say for sure who I would want to keep or cut out. I know that a lot of people have moved on with their lives, and not really forgotten about our friendship but life happens. It has happened on my end too. I just wonder how many people I could truly say that we are being honest and true to each other's friendship. How many are putting on a facade? How many are being happy and pleasant to make it through the visit? How many truly do miss me and care about me the way I do for them? I know that I am THE WORST ever at communicating with people and letting them know I am here and care, but truly it does go both ways. It cannot rely solely on one person. I think for so long I felt like it relied solely on me to iniate the conservations and visits. I mean, I do go up there and hardly any of them come down here to see me. Between being here for college and then living here, I think I eventually got tired of being the first person to start a conversation or to request a visit. I am just so tired of having to try so hard. I know that relationship, including friendships, require work to stay alive, but it really shouldn't be this hard or feel this one-sided right?

Thoughts?

Lately...

So, it's been dramatic lately. I don't know what it is. Maybe there is something in the air. I am not quite sure. What I do know is that I am getting sick and tired of it. Job drama, family drama, friend drama, man drama... gosh. I don't know what other kind of drama there possibly could be left. I really do not intend to find out either. I am just ready for it to all be over.

Lately, sleep has not been evading me, just unwinding. I do not know how I cram so much into a day. It is quite ridiculous. All the stuff that I am doing for other people when I am not returning. I should have given up when I found out, but that's not my M.O. It just gets so frustrating to feel like you are doing so much when you are being booted for "not doing enough" and you feel like no one sees you, especially now that you are booted. Why do I care so much? Because I am committed and I was raised better than that. I just wish sometimes that others would realize I have a life too. I know that I am single and have no family here, but that almost makes it worse. When they are stressed or worn out, they have an escape. Where is mine? I feel like I have none.

I need to start going back to church. I really wish I had never stopped going. I just feel so overwhelmed and taken over. It's awful.

I just wish I knew what was going on lately. I wish I knew what life had in store. Friends... what are those? People in your life to call family? I don't know where those people lie... it's just so weird. I feel so lost and alone. I have maybe 1 to 3 people who I can truly say I trust with my life. It's probably not even the people you would think. A year ago it would have been so different, but now... life could go any way. I could go anyway.

Lately.... what the heck?