Last semester... for now.

Since today is Monday, that means today begins my last semester as a Master's student in Curriculum and Instruction. I mention the particular degree because I am unsure whether or not this will be my last degree in the Master field. I also cannot say that it is my last graduate degree either because I might head towards that much elusive Doctorate. I want to feel accomplished and like all my hard work and God-given brains has done something productive. Being unemployed has quickly dampened that feeling. I feel so often that my gift of teaching and the intellect that has been given to me has been wasted. I know that I contribute to the education of those few that I am tutoring and of course, to my fellow classmates, but that doesn't feel like enough. I love to teach! I do not care in what capacity, but I want to teach and make a difference to many. I have been given that ability and not being able to use it is so stifling!! Imagine doing something that you love and knowing that you are giving your all and people agree that you do it well, and then having it taken from you. After that, you are constantly told that your abilities and background are not what they are looking for. It's like being told that you are constantly not good enough.

I hate that feeling.

Yes, I know that I should not judge my worth and such by others and their standards. I get that. It does not change how I feel. I do not know how to do much else but teach. To pay all my bills, especially the upcoming educational ones, I cannot afford to start over again or not get a job in the field of education. Although teachers are greatly underpaid for what they do every day, I would be satisfied and content to have a teacher's salary with benefits. I would love to be able to afford the health insurance that I had so I can keep my doctors.

I cut myself off from people. I do it so I do not have to rely on them to help with monetary things. It is so much easier to deny offers to go out and hang out if you are no longer offered those experiences because you have distanced yourself. I won't have to worry about the gas required to get there or someone coming to pick me up and having to rely on them. I won't have to worry about what my part of the bill will be or praying that they might offer to cover them tab, even after my obligatory refusal to be polite.

I hate that feeling.

I hope that this degree finishing might be able to open some doors for me. I am pretty unsure of where to go from here. I am leaving it in God's hands, but all this uncertainty and waiting is scaring me. I keep searching and applying for jobs, now without caring where in the state they are. I know that He has a greater purpose, He always does... but gosh! Does it have to be so scary and almost defeating? I know, in our weakest hours, that is when He is the strongest and able to show that it was nothing else but the power of God. There are lots of things that I know. I can spout off things left and right. I tend to have the right words to say at the right time. Another beautiful quality that I thank God for giving to me. However, I have realized that knowing and truly, deep-heartedly believing are two extremely different things. I am pretty scared and unsure.

I hate that feeling.

Until the feeling goes and God brings about the change and deliverance I need, I will have to keep pressing through and muddling through what is now known as my life. Striving for and seeking to do the best that I am able to give and let God take it and do with it what He will. He has helped me to accomplish so much, so I know that He can do so much more. I just wish that it would happen sooner, but everything all in His time... right?

So now I wait...