Heaven is For Real

Since school started a week or so ago, things have not been easy. Sleep is sporadic, but I take it when it comes. I have chosen to forget that I am jobless and that in my brain equated to "no one wants you". It has filled me with many emotions and different people. Anger, rage, hurt, disappointment, betrayal, and the list goes on. Mostly, I am frustrated that I seem to no longer have a purpose for things. I complete graduate work and do nothing else with my day. I have no energy and no love for life... or anything for that matter.

As I went to sleep tonight, I decided to read a bit on my lovely Nook. I had seen a few of my friends comment on how wonderful Heaven is For Real was to read, so I decided I should read it. I had just finished a series, so I decided I could do this one to have a change in flavor. I flew through the book and was amazed. It was a good read and made me truly think. Funny how lately I had been thinking about death, heaven, hell, and the reality of God. I must say that this whole job and life in general has put a toll on my faith and my reality... if I ever really had one. There are many times when I know what I believe and others where I am like "who am I kidding?". I can speak so much truth and yet not believe it all myself. Sometimes, all the time, when things come out of my mouth laced with truth and love from the throne, I know that is exactly where it comes. It is not really ever out of my mouth, but His speaking to whom ever I am physically talking to. It always amazes me, but then I wonder how I lack so much in faith.

After reading that book, it brought a lot of thoughts to my mind, especially because it's almost a year since Grandpa died. He is truly the first person in my life who has died that I was close to, that had any meaning in my life. I always wondered in truth whether those who have died watch us and truly look over us from heaven. In my loneliness many things go through my mind. These years of living completely alone have been so difficult and pulling at my faith. When I began living on my own, November 2009, started the hardest parts of my life. I had never truly lived alone until then. Living with other people around you changes things. Yes, there are times when we all need a little "me time" and solitude, but not all the time. Teaching gave me other people with whom to interact, but now I have once again succeeded in cutting myself off from most all other living flesh. I hardly leave the house and wonder how my Grandma does it. After being married and living with my Grandpa for over 50 years, how does she live alone? I cannot imagine! How does she keep her prayer life and seeking after God so strong with all that loneliness and with that void? I cannot fathom it! However, while I was at her house during my week with her, I noticed I found God a lot more within that house. I woke up while she was out walking and would bask in the sweet presence of God in the cool mornings with nature on her porch. Later, she told me that was Grandpa's favorite spot too... the porch. I could not help but bask in that beauty. I spent most of my time out there and accomplish the most productive work of my graduate career out there. I think I probably owe a lot of that to the prayer that the house was surely covered in. After reading that book, reflecting on my time at her house, and looking at my own loneliness struggles, I admire my Grandma more for her strength... or at least the strength that she portrays. I know that we all have our own struggles and when people are around it is easier to forget about them, but I do not believe that is the case with her.

Anyway, these have been my sleepless thoughts since I finished the book 3 hours ago. I should have gotten more rest since I planned on getting my nails done today before heading over to lunch with Lizzy and the family. My nails are coming up and it's getting caught on my hair! Today will be one of those strength for others days when I will go there, be fine, and have fun only to come home and be hit with the harsh realization that I am still alone in this apartment without a job. Sigh. I do not like this at all. Perhaps this is my sign that I cannot deal with this on my own anymore and should seek out more help? Hmm... a thought to contemplate. The book has definitely sparked some thought and made me wish I was back in my "shouting days" and love of singing, God, and others. I was a zealous middle schooler/high schooler. I wish I could go back to that era, before my world changed at 16.... but we must not live in the victories and zeal of the past.

Now to try at get some sleep before my alarm goes off at 9! Sleeping to the Gateway College Choir... awesome choir with awesome anointing if you needed some good listening!