Self Loathing

There are days, sometimes weeks, where I truly just hate myself and hate my life. Why you ask? You know, I wish I could tell you. Some would say hormones. Some would say I'm just moody. Some would say I am just lonely. I wish depression was just those things. Depression hits you and there is nothing that I can do about it. When it hits hard, it hits. Those other things are triggers, but by no means the true cause. I hate depression and what it does to me. I hate that I hate myself and my life.
People always say that I am pretty. People say I sing well. People say I am so selfless. People say that I am a good teacher. People say I am great with kids. People say I am a good leader. People say I do well with hair. People say that I am a great friend. People say that I am a good person.
What good is what people say when you don't believe it? I try. I really do. I just can't see it. I fake it, a lot. I know that if I don't act like I believe it sometimes or if I don't joke about it, then people could see through me. The many masks that I wear, sometimes I've worn them so well that I believe them for a while because life has kept me going through the motions. The motions can help me keep the act up and believe it for a little while. But when I get home, things calm down and the masks pull off. Usually this happens on weekends or school breaks because I'm not still in the rush and hustle of work. When the mask comes off and the act is over, the truth hits like a ton of bricks.
The reality that I see is this:
I teach well, yes I will admit that. However, I have to work super hard at it. I have to take things to help with my clarity. I have to stay constantly in touch with my mom or vent with my coworkers because being a good teacher drains me each day. I guess if I had a spouse, that would ease up on my mom's responsibility, but I pour out so much and many times have trouble refilling myself for the next day. But, even if I am not refilled the next day, I still give my all and more for my students. I don't think that I am beautiful. I think that I used to be and would like to be again. I remember the feelings I had during the years that I "like" and during those years I hated myself too, so that feels like a hopeless reality. I know that I have some vocal ability, but talent that people want to hear all the time, ha! I just cannot fathom that. A good leader and selfless seem so out of the ball park as well. Sometimes when people think too highly of me and express it a lot, I try to sabotage it. I think it's because I feel so worthless and I can't envision what they see that I have to knock myself down in their eyes. I can't have people see me as this great person because in my own eyes I am not. The self hatred just runs too deep. Sometimes I can hear and take people's compliments, but unless I know you extremely well I think you are just saying it for the heck of it. I have to know that you truly mean it and for that I need to know you pretty well, unless you are a child. I trust children. I trust their opinion because they are always honest and blunt. They tend to not sugarcoat things. However, I do know that as their teacher, I tend to be held higher in their eyes. I take that into account. But I trust kids, until I see that they begin to sugarcoat like adults.
So how do I stop letting depression take over... well, so many times I don't even know it's here until it's too late. Some cases of it are not as strong and I can make it out okay. Other times the depression is so strong that I worry that I will never come out. I explain the mild times like falling into a ditch. Like I am walking along on a path and then I step onto a trap that turns into a ditch. I can climb out of that after the shock of falling wears off and keep walking. The bad bouts are like falling into a ditch while walking, but then the ditch has a trap that drops me into a deep well. I can't climb out of a well. Someone or something has to throw down a lifeline that will pull me up. For me, the lifeline is usually my job during the school year. Now that it is summer, I don't have that line. So that means that I have to call out for help and have to tell someone the truth to help pull me out or just keep busy. That's rough. Thankfully, my summer schedule is scattered with obligations, but when obligations are dominant and I have to break down the walls and tell the truth... that's hard. Most people don't understand depression unless they struggle with it too. Telling people and showing them the real me is so scary. Half the time, I scare myself with my own thoughts and feelings. To think this has been my struggle for over a decade.
You know one of the hardest parts, the depression that causes the self loathing is also what I hate, but I feel like there is nothing that I can do about it.

Messy

I'm getting quite frustrated by people being messy and so nosey! Why is it that at the end if the year when things should be winding down, especially with all the paperwork we have to do, that people feel the need to get shady and break the rules? The tension with one person could cut the air, but protocol was broken and I called the person out, never mind that the whole situation should have never happened. Then, another was asking me information which would clearly break confidentiality because the info would go to outside persons. That is not legal people! The worst part is then a round about method was attempted to find out info when I refused to give it. I feel like I am being tested and pushed to do things that are not right. It is frustrating to have to continually fight it with people who should have the same standards because the law says so! Grr.
On top of that, the latter situation has been an all year thing. My professional knowledge and opinions have been constantly questioned. I am an advocate for those I work with and always do what is in their best interest. So why is what I am doing being called into question by people who do not have the knowledge background or even allowed to be privy to the information? I just don't understand! I feel like I'm being attacked. I feel that this program that was supposed to help those I work with is now becoming a hindrance. I wish some of them would try to do and deal with what I do on a daily basis and give their ALL into the job.
All this is just added stress that I didn't need at the end of the year. The spirals it is sending me down are ridiculous! My coping is slowing becoming nonexistent. My motivation is slowly being drained. I can do this job and the drama that naturally comes with it, but when adding messy people who just do whatever without considering the consequences (which can be legal ones) are just frustrating. 4 more days. Maybe a change will occur over the summer....

Brick wall

So, I feel like emotionally I've hit a brick wall. I guess it's just my depression kicking into high gear. I've been coming home and going right to sleep against all efforts to the contrary. Part of it is knowing my students have their last day today, well most of them anyway, and the rest is who knows. Anything can set me off into a spiral which is what I hate the most. I hate not knowing what causes it sometimes. It just appears. I just begin to feel self hatred and lack of anything positive for no reason! It's awful. I'd rather be able to pinpoint the reason to at least have a semblance of a solution. It's also frustrating because people will ask what is wrong or how they can help but sometimes I don't even know. I swear that they think I'm crazy. Maybe I am.
On the positive though, even with medication, these lows also bring highs eventually. When I love, I love hard and with everything I've got. When I give of myself, I give everything I have into it. I put my heart into everything, which I guess is sometimes my downfall because when things are over it hurts. Perfect example is my precious students having their last day today. I'm so attached to these kids.
However, I really am ready for another break. I'm ready to catch up on sleep. I'm ready to get things together to make next year even better than this year! I enjoy creating and building up the curriculum and this summer I will have the time to do it. That is truly exciting for me. I'm also going to attempt getting back into walking/working out to help me with my emotions and moods because I hate that I get this way.
Enough venting. Time to get up and get ready for the last day with some of my babies.