Homesick

Today I got kind of homesick. I must say that this weekend, I have been procrastinating and acting like I have no work to do. I think I am pretending that it is already summer when it is not yet. lol. I was talking to my best friend and it's just weird to think how far apart I have grown from so many people. It has been almost 2 years since I have been back to NJ (minus the visit to my sick grandfather and his funeral in October). Things have just been crazy. I don't know how I will handle being back there this time. Here sort of feels like home, but since this is a rented apartment I cannot do anything I want to it. I am ready to get a house that I can put my own touch on. I am ready to make a "home" out of where I am living. Going back is going to be really weird. There are a lot of changes and people who are not there. There are many people that I have not spoken to in ages. That could always be awkward. I hope that the friendships that I had built over the years have lasted the test of time and distance. However, so often so many of us put on fake fasades to appease other people. Why should we lie to ourselves and each other? It only makes things worse and harder to deal with later.

I truly do wonder how many are really my friends. I know that I should know, but I am so unsure. My best friend said today that I should really know by now who my true friends are. I can't say that I honestly could say for sure who I would want to keep or cut out. I know that a lot of people have moved on with their lives, and not really forgotten about our friendship but life happens. It has happened on my end too. I just wonder how many people I could truly say that we are being honest and true to each other's friendship. How many are putting on a facade? How many are being happy and pleasant to make it through the visit? How many truly do miss me and care about me the way I do for them? I know that I am THE WORST ever at communicating with people and letting them know I am here and care, but truly it does go both ways. It cannot rely solely on one person. I think for so long I felt like it relied solely on me to iniate the conservations and visits. I mean, I do go up there and hardly any of them come down here to see me. Between being here for college and then living here, I think I eventually got tired of being the first person to start a conversation or to request a visit. I am just so tired of having to try so hard. I know that relationship, including friendships, require work to stay alive, but it really shouldn't be this hard or feel this one-sided right?

Thoughts?

Lately...

So, it's been dramatic lately. I don't know what it is. Maybe there is something in the air. I am not quite sure. What I do know is that I am getting sick and tired of it. Job drama, family drama, friend drama, man drama... gosh. I don't know what other kind of drama there possibly could be left. I really do not intend to find out either. I am just ready for it to all be over.

Lately, sleep has not been evading me, just unwinding. I do not know how I cram so much into a day. It is quite ridiculous. All the stuff that I am doing for other people when I am not returning. I should have given up when I found out, but that's not my M.O. It just gets so frustrating to feel like you are doing so much when you are being booted for "not doing enough" and you feel like no one sees you, especially now that you are booted. Why do I care so much? Because I am committed and I was raised better than that. I just wish sometimes that others would realize I have a life too. I know that I am single and have no family here, but that almost makes it worse. When they are stressed or worn out, they have an escape. Where is mine? I feel like I have none.

I need to start going back to church. I really wish I had never stopped going. I just feel so overwhelmed and taken over. It's awful.

I just wish I knew what was going on lately. I wish I knew what life had in store. Friends... what are those? People in your life to call family? I don't know where those people lie... it's just so weird. I feel so lost and alone. I have maybe 1 to 3 people who I can truly say I trust with my life. It's probably not even the people you would think. A year ago it would have been so different, but now... life could go any way. I could go anyway.

Lately.... what the heck?

Slacker

So I have been a slacker and not updated in a while. I am usually so busy on the computer that I forget, even though I put a widget on my computer just so I would remember. I also have an app on my phone, but apparently that is too much too. Things have been crazy and all upside down.

Family... I am still not speaking to my mom. Dad probably has no clue. Talking with my siblings is not really something that I do either. My cousins are great, mainly one. She is wonderful and we click so well together now that we are older. Although, we have always pretty much clicked, it's just more pronounced now.

Friends... My bestie up north and I.... um yeah. It's pretty rocky on my end for money reasons. I don't know how this is going to work. I can't handle it much longer. I hold my tongue, but I can't keep it calm for much longer. I know that words are very powerful, but this is getting to me a little much. I know we are besties and all, but there are some things that you just don't do. My bestie here, he is phenomenal! He has kept me sane and grounded here. I have become disconnected from quite a few of the people that I have been closer too and he has totally picked up the slack on that and is there for me 24/7. When I need him to be there, he shows up. When I need him to make me feel like a million bucks, he comes through and more. The other day we had lunch at one of our many "spots" and he just made me feel like I was worth so much more than I know. I heard that a lot this week, but it's always different coming from him.

Relationship... we are up and down all the time. I don't know how much longer my love for him can hold on by this thin thread he has me on. The thread goes from thick to thin so quickly. I don't think I could live with things as they are for the rest of my life. I might be looking elsewhere soon if things don't get better. He really should be getting tips from my friends who know me the best, aka besties!

Job... My job situation is still the same. My last day is quickly approaching. I began taking some of the smaller things down and storing them in the room if they are supposed to stay there and taking home things that are mine. sigh. I hate this part. I started crying while I was doing it. Good thing I had music and work to consume my thoughts. I was up there for about 3 or 4 hours, which is the longest I have been up there on a weekend lately. Searching for a new job has proved to be an epic fail right now. I have applied to a bunch. I might have to look for something outside of the profession I want soon. However, I know that if I leave my current profession, there is no guarantee that I will actually continue in the direction I am going, which sort of saddens me.

I think I might just be ready to throw in the towel sometimes. There is just so much to do. However, I have been tanning, doing an infrared sauna, dieting, drinking more water, and exercising. All of that has really given me more energy and a body weight to strive for. That has been totally helpful for me. Now to find a way to get to NJ and have fun for 2 weeks this summer without going broke!

Tired of Men

I am so tired of men letting me down. So the ex yesterday was going on and on about everything. He whined and complained and got absolutely nothing done no matter what I said. Meanwhile, he neglected to realize that while he was sitting there complaining and I was having to "make him feel better" he was interrupting my work. He did it again today. Again, it is him being selfish and not realizing that I have work to complete as well. It's not just him that feels overwhelmed. I think he forgets that I have just as much on my plate as he does, if not more because I cater to him! Gosh, I need a real man who can treat me right and take care of me. Where is he?

The job today was ok. It went well for a Monday until the last 40 minutes or so of the day. Then it got to be difficult. Tomorrow the boss is picking me up since my car is in the shop. I am so grateful to have a boss that will do that for me, but I am concerned about how awkward the car ride could or could not be due to the circumstances. On a positive about jobs, I have applied (or almost applied fully) for two jobs. Neither are in areas that I have previously worked, but since I am qualified for either one, I guess it doesn't matter. It makes me feel a little bit better knowing that I could potentially find a job next year. It also makes me want to get these "goodbye letters" for my current job going. I know, I am a sentimental person, but I say things better with words on a page instead of coming from my mouth. I woudl rather write it out and have them read it later instead of me trying to say everything that I feel. I have a countdown on my computer for the last day, which is about 66 days away. I will have to get cracking on those letters soon.

Well, it is time for bed since I have finished entering all my data into the computer and completed as much grad school work as I can keep my eyes open for! Until next time!

Graduate Education Professor

So, if you ever go to school for teaching or education, they always teach you to scaffold and give sufficient parameters for every assignment you give. I find it interesting that graduate level professors in the education profession cannot do the same. All of these professors have been through education schooling, so why would they not know? Just because I am grown and a graduate student, it does not mean that you do not have to fully explain the assignments you give! In fact, I expect you to explain it better because we can meet and exceed the parameters given. The part that bugs me most is that the student gets screwed in the long run. When a teacher does not given proper directions and instructions, the students end up getting points taken off because they did not perform up to expectations, but you didn't even know what the expectations were! This current grad class is going to kill me. I will do everything in my power to not have this professor again. I just don't understand how you can be a teacher and not know that you need to give your expectations of what you want and how you want it. GIVE DETAIL! Ugh! It makes me want to get my doctorate so that I can go be a college or graduate professor and do things the right way!

Today also hit me hard again that I won't be at my current job. It hurts so much. I care about these people that I work with and have made relationships with these people. I am even doing well with not pulling back just because I know that I am leaving. Every time that I know I will be leaving somewhere and will be hurt by the loss of relationships, I pull away and hurt myself before it really happens. I haven't done that. In fact, I have been solidifying my relationships in the hopes that I will by some miracle be staying. The more I hear about the budget situation, the less hope I have about staying in my current profession. No one will be hiring in my profession and it is killing me. I know that if I stop I will never return. Deep in my heart of hearts, I would like to wish that this will not discourage me and prevent me from doing what I have enjoyed doing, but I think that it will. As per my last post, there are so many doubts and questions that are going on in my brain. I am unsure what to think. I hate having to leave friends, make new ones, and am petrified of major changes that I did not pre-allow to happen! It's not fair that I have to leave, and I have become so attached. I have even become attached to people that I just met this year! I never make friends that quick. I hate this! I hate that I am so willing to still do so much for that place even though I know that I am leaving and may not be able to survive because they let me go. I do it because I want the people I leave behind to have it good. I want them to be able to have the legacy I can leave behind. I hate that I have to pack up my entire work space and move it all out. I don't have space in my apartment for all that. Everyone is giving me the pity party when they find out, but so many are just avoiding it or giving me small talk. Except those who are closest to me and know how I feel about the whole situation, I always analyze everything they say. I always wonder what people are thinking of me when they look at me. I can't help it. I hate feeling like I am being talked about and judged. It is not fun by any mean, but that is exactly what I feel like is happening whether or not it truly is. Sigh. I need to get some sort of outlet.

Well, it is way later than I should have been staying up. Maybe I will pull an "all-nighter" and get some of the grad work done so that the next time I wake up I can have a small breather before the next week of classes start. Then I can get the work for my job done. Sigh.

Week after Spring Break? No way!

I know it is only Tuesday, but I keep having to question whether this is truly the week right after spring break! The kids are just being phenomenal, sometimes even the normal disruptors. That is shocking! Break did us all well. Lately, I have been eating better, working out, and tanning. I have stayed up-to-date with my grad work (sort of) and I just put in all the grades I have. Tomorrow I will be giving two more tests, two benchmarks Thursday, a test Thursday, and at least two more tests Friday. YIKES! Maybe I will squeeze them in earlier since grades are due Friday before we leave and I really need to get my car fixed.

Since spring is started now here in Texas, I need my air vents and AC to be working properly. They supposedly fixed the AC, but now the air won't even blow out of the vents, so who knows if it works? I also need my oil changed and my tires checked. I am trying to get my car into road trip shape. I know that the car is 10 years old, but it can survive another Jersey drive. I will probably drive straight through again. Hopefully, my ex (who hopefully won't be my ex anymore by then) and I are trying to go up there together this year. We are going to stay in a hotel since I am still upset with my parents (mainly mom). I will see my brothers, but the parents... ehh. I am too stubborn to make the first move when she is the one pushing me away and hurting me. Whatever. I am excited for the drive and to show my ex the parts of the US that I know. There is so much beyond this state that so many people call home. I find it amazing that so many locals have NEVER left the state! They do not know what they are missing!

I am so ready to hit up the Jersey Shore. No, not like in the show Jersey Shore, although I will probably go to some of the same beaches and places because that is where I have always gone. I am hoping to take my ex to see NYC, Philly, DC, Baltimore, and the Jersey Shore... along with all that part of the East Coast has to offer. Who knows when he will be back there again. I cannot wait to see the ocean and beaches and just the scenery of Jersey. I am definitely excited to catch up with some old church friends and old school friends who are still around.

Speaking of church, I have not been going lately. I know, that must mean I am a horrible person. Since being told that I was being laid off due to budget cuts, I have been going through the questioning phase. I wonder why is this happening to me? Why was I not good enough? Should I really keep teaching? Why not some of the others? Why don't I stand out enough? I know these are all questions that I should not be asking because I know all of the answers, but I sometimes doubt the answers that I have. I know during this time is when I should be turning to God the most, but frankly, my relationship was already struggling.

Sadly, I can make it look so good on the outside. I know what to say and when to say it. I know all the right things and the code words for good relationship with God. I am very knowledgeable about the Word, but when it comes to the relationship part of things, I am HORRIBLE. I am a tangible person when it comes to relationships. I need communication here and now. I think that is why music speaks to me so much. I can sing to him and then he sort of speaks back through the beautiful harmonies, dissonances, and resolutions. He speaks to me through sunsets and little surprises. I just have such a hard time really digging into his word and talking to him. It is such a struggle for me. Considering that I have been closing off myself from people anyway, it sort of makes sense that I am closing off from God. He should be the last person that I even think about closing off from. Lately, I have just felt so helpless. I am so tired of talking about how frustrated I am about being laid off. I am tired of wondering why not some of the others that could have left too. I am tried of wondering why me if EVERYONE is asking the same question about the decision to let me go and people are constantly praising me. I guess it is a testament to my faith in Christ and living out my life according to what he has called me to do, but really? (sigh) I just wish sometimes that all those compliments would have come sooner. I wish that those compliments didn't feel like smacks in the face because no matter what they say, I am still having to leave. My heart aches, although I try not to let it show. I hate having to meet new people and make all new friends in a workplace. I did it at my first job and then had to leave, but I have been here two years and cannot imagine teaching anywhere else. I want to write "cards/letters" to all the people that have made my 2 years teaching there wonderful, but the more I think about about it, the more I want to almost write everyone a card/letter. Of course, it will really only be the limited few because I do not have time to write heartfelt letters to everyone or buy a cute card for all of them either.... although maybe I could buy bulk blank cards. I could write a mini message or memory to each of them and then the LONG letters to the rest. There are about 6 people that I would really be writing the long ones to that I regret having to leave. I know that we all will say that we will keep in touch and remain friends, but I know how that goes. Once I leave there we will talk for a while, then gradually as weeks and months pass and they still work there and I don't, we will stop talking more and more until eventually I am just a distant memory. I hate that! My heart just aches, especially because I always envisioned myself working here until I retired and staying in this area unless the man I marry has to move for job purposes! Oh well. God knows best and apparently he has other plans for me that he hasn't mentioned yet.

It is way past my bedtime and I am tired of waiting for gmail to finish "finalizing" this email that was supposed to be sent hours ago. The toil of sending pictures through email. (sigh)

Spring Break

What an adventure it is has been. My cousin started it off. Then I went to my friend's house in Austin. That was great. I had a lot of fun. Rest wasn't gotten as much as I had thought and sometimes it felt awkward. There was lots of fun girl time, karaoke, and shopping. I got to see what her workouts look like, and man it's tough! So glad I am starting out slower! The drives to and from Austin weren't too bad because of the music I had to rock out to while I was driving. God really kept me safe during so many times when an accident really should have happened or I was delayed because of one.

He also did a God only thing. My best friend, who lives in the same town as me, and I hadn't seen each other in a while, so something inside me said to text him and tell him that I was back in town. It turned out that he was going through something. It was a God thing that I was able to step in a help out and see him. I missed him so much. He is wonderful! Any woman that marries him will have to be high quality and I have to approve. He is such a wonderful, talented, understanding, supportive, and God-fearing man. I do not know what I would do without him in my life. I wonder sometimes why all men cannot be like him. I wonder why I could not have a father like him.

Then of course, my ex, who I still talk to, had to come in with all this crazyness texting me about stuff that I had no control over. I make little suggestions and try to make things fun, and he goes and complicates everything. He just ruins a good time. I think I do compare him to my best friend. My boyfriend/future husband should be able to be my best friend! It almost makes me wish my best friend could be my future husband. He has become such a wonderful person. I have watched him grow and change into this wonderful person because he is letting Christ change him. I am so proud of who he has become. My ex just keeps reverting back to who he used to be before we broke up. I want him in my life... maybe even one day marry him, but he needs to think of OTHERS! God has to be the purpose for his change not me. I just don't know how much longer I can wait. I don't know if he can truly get me back.

Tomorrow, I am getting my car worked on. Then it is time to do me... nails, tan, and CLEAN!!! I am tired of looking out for people who don't look out for me too. Why should I look out for you if you don't look out for me? I get tired of putting other people first who appear to care nothing about me. If I don't look out for me when you don't, then who will? I have got to take care of me. So, now you are free and you don't have to tell me what to do because that is not caring about me, that is bossing me around.