Self Loathing

There are days, sometimes weeks, where I truly just hate myself and hate my life. Why you ask? You know, I wish I could tell you. Some would say hormones. Some would say I'm just moody. Some would say I am just lonely. I wish depression was just those things. Depression hits you and there is nothing that I can do about it. When it hits hard, it hits. Those other things are triggers, but by no means the true cause. I hate depression and what it does to me. I hate that I hate myself and my life.
People always say that I am pretty. People say I sing well. People say I am so selfless. People say that I am a good teacher. People say I am great with kids. People say I am a good leader. People say I do well with hair. People say that I am a great friend. People say that I am a good person.
What good is what people say when you don't believe it? I try. I really do. I just can't see it. I fake it, a lot. I know that if I don't act like I believe it sometimes or if I don't joke about it, then people could see through me. The many masks that I wear, sometimes I've worn them so well that I believe them for a while because life has kept me going through the motions. The motions can help me keep the act up and believe it for a little while. But when I get home, things calm down and the masks pull off. Usually this happens on weekends or school breaks because I'm not still in the rush and hustle of work. When the mask comes off and the act is over, the truth hits like a ton of bricks.
The reality that I see is this:
I teach well, yes I will admit that. However, I have to work super hard at it. I have to take things to help with my clarity. I have to stay constantly in touch with my mom or vent with my coworkers because being a good teacher drains me each day. I guess if I had a spouse, that would ease up on my mom's responsibility, but I pour out so much and many times have trouble refilling myself for the next day. But, even if I am not refilled the next day, I still give my all and more for my students. I don't think that I am beautiful. I think that I used to be and would like to be again. I remember the feelings I had during the years that I "like" and during those years I hated myself too, so that feels like a hopeless reality. I know that I have some vocal ability, but talent that people want to hear all the time, ha! I just cannot fathom that. A good leader and selfless seem so out of the ball park as well. Sometimes when people think too highly of me and express it a lot, I try to sabotage it. I think it's because I feel so worthless and I can't envision what they see that I have to knock myself down in their eyes. I can't have people see me as this great person because in my own eyes I am not. The self hatred just runs too deep. Sometimes I can hear and take people's compliments, but unless I know you extremely well I think you are just saying it for the heck of it. I have to know that you truly mean it and for that I need to know you pretty well, unless you are a child. I trust children. I trust their opinion because they are always honest and blunt. They tend to not sugarcoat things. However, I do know that as their teacher, I tend to be held higher in their eyes. I take that into account. But I trust kids, until I see that they begin to sugarcoat like adults.
So how do I stop letting depression take over... well, so many times I don't even know it's here until it's too late. Some cases of it are not as strong and I can make it out okay. Other times the depression is so strong that I worry that I will never come out. I explain the mild times like falling into a ditch. Like I am walking along on a path and then I step onto a trap that turns into a ditch. I can climb out of that after the shock of falling wears off and keep walking. The bad bouts are like falling into a ditch while walking, but then the ditch has a trap that drops me into a deep well. I can't climb out of a well. Someone or something has to throw down a lifeline that will pull me up. For me, the lifeline is usually my job during the school year. Now that it is summer, I don't have that line. So that means that I have to call out for help and have to tell someone the truth to help pull me out or just keep busy. That's rough. Thankfully, my summer schedule is scattered with obligations, but when obligations are dominant and I have to break down the walls and tell the truth... that's hard. Most people don't understand depression unless they struggle with it too. Telling people and showing them the real me is so scary. Half the time, I scare myself with my own thoughts and feelings. To think this has been my struggle for over a decade.
You know one of the hardest parts, the depression that causes the self loathing is also what I hate, but I feel like there is nothing that I can do about it.