Well, I should be excited. I have found a job working at a local Christian preschool. Part of the day I am the music assistant and the other part of the day I will be in different classes. It sounds like a great job and I will be working with some people that I already know. It's close to home and the hours aren't that bad. So what's the problem you say? The money that it makes without any benefits covered and I have student loans out the wazoo. I tallied up how much I would have to pay in bills/loans for an entire year (including estimated gas and without groceries) versus how much I would make (even with tutoring on the side). It didn't come out too good. Being able to rely on God for THAT MUCH extra money is just whoa.
There are things that I am looking into changing, but even those will be leaps of faith. For example, I feel like I am having structural problems in my apartment, which I have brought to the attention of the complex, but not made a big fuss about. However, if they are planning on moving someone in upstairs, I sure will! But, if I can manage to get out of this one and into a smaller one (even though I may lose W/D in that instance *BOOO*) it would save me some. The heartbreaker to cut out would be Compassion. That eats up a lot of my money, but I feel that it is going to such a great cause and they need it too. I love those kiddos and to have to take away my sponsorship would hurt. Once I get a finalized schedule and officially hired response, I will be off unemployment and calling my student loan companies. Sallie Mae is the only one that I am currently dealing with and the rest starts in December. It almost makes me wish I didn't go back to school, but I did learn a lot and it has kept me sane during this period of unemployment. I am hoping that there is a way that I can have my loan payments reduced or stop for a bit or something.
Grandma called me the other day. She suggested I move in with her and find some work. Thinking about it, it wouldn't be too awful to move back. However, finding teaching jobs there would be an easier from what I have heard and I have no knowledge of how things work up there. That freaks me out a little. The cool part would be seeing family and friends up there more often and learning how to cook other things from Grandma. Did I mention that I love her back porch too? Lol. Of course, I would pay her some amount for being able to live there (whether or not she wanted it) and groceries etc. Maybe when this lease is up? I don't know.
Being around family would be so helpful right now. This is so scary being down here and the prospect of things falling apart. I just don't know how this is going to work out. I guess that is where God comes in, huh? Taking what I cannot do and making it work.
Friday, August 10
Friday, July 13
2 Timothy 1:7, Hebrews 11:1
NKJV "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."
NIV "For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline."
2 Timothy 1:7
Today, this verse came to me and made me think. I am trying not to be fearful or timid (mainly fearful) during this time. I cannot begin to express the strain it has placed on my emotions and where it has taken me. The walls that I have to put up for my own benefit are ridiculous. Sometimes you just have to put the walls up so you can make it through the day. But then as I was looking up the different translations of the verse (and posted the two I liked best), I realized that it is not me who is not fearful, but the spirit within me. When the Spirit is referred to, it means the Holy Spirit... the Comforter God gave us when Jesus ascended into Heaven. That Spirit that lives within me as a follower and believer in Christ is not one of fear or timidness. When I rely on and live by that Spirit, I will not be fearful or timid because my Spirit cannot be. The flesh so easily can make us live in fear and shy away from anything and everything, but the Spirit within gives us the courage and strength. It gives me power, love, and self-discipline.
The self-discipline to wake up every day and try to live each day to the fullest. The self-discipline to look for a job each and every day no matter how bleak it seems. The self-discipline to fill out each application despite the repetitive information that I write on each one. The self-discipline to not wallow in my situation no matter how long it has been like this.
The love to continue loving myself even though the situation can make me feel pretty worthless and like yesterday's trash. The love to allows me to continually love the people with whom I used to work that let me go because I know that it wasn't their fault, no matter how much I might want to blame them sometimes. The love that keeps me from snapping when things aren't going so hot that day.
The power to head my high knowing that I am a child of the King, even if I don't always feel like it. The power to walk into interviews with confidence, knowing I am a good teacher and a worthy candidate. The power to be myself and express my views on education freely. The power to overcome the darkness that constantly tries to consume me through this whole process.
Hebrews 11:1
NIV "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."
NLT "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see."
When speaking about faith, this is the verse that I hear the most. What a difficult thing faith is! Even with the Spirit inside that gives me all that 2 Timothy speaks of, faith is hard to grasp sometimes. I know that not much faith is needed to make things happen and sometimes our faith must be strengthened and increased. This has definitely been a difficult time for my faith and it shows. I cannot see the job that God has or even the light at the end of this tunnel. It has seemed so dark and unfruitful for so long. I almost wonder if there is even an end! But through faith in God and that He knows what is best, I can have faith in that end and job that I cannot see. Through faith, I can have confidence knowing that security of a job that I hope and long for will happen. Having that faith is just so difficult sometimes! I struggle with it so much, even though I know that God provides. He has provided and kept me thus far. I will admit that some great things and benefits have happened through this time of not being able to find work. I am grateful and thankful for the opportunities that have been given to me through it.
I know He has a great plan for my life and He holds me in His hand, but that big picture is so hard to see. It is scary not knowing. If you know me, then you know I always like to have a plan. I look at the best and worst outcomes of all situations and try to plan accordingly for whatever may happen. I know that God's plan is not always my own and am ready for a change in plans whenever. However, I like to know or have a semblance of what is going on. I'm one of those people that needs to have a box, but can work inside or outside the box. I just need you to draw me the box first.
How do you get through the dark tunnel that seems to have no light? How do you push past the fleshly fear and lack of faith that creeps in sometimes? I'd love to hear what your thoughts are.
NIV "For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline."
2 Timothy 1:7
Today, this verse came to me and made me think. I am trying not to be fearful or timid (mainly fearful) during this time. I cannot begin to express the strain it has placed on my emotions and where it has taken me. The walls that I have to put up for my own benefit are ridiculous. Sometimes you just have to put the walls up so you can make it through the day. But then as I was looking up the different translations of the verse (and posted the two I liked best), I realized that it is not me who is not fearful, but the spirit within me. When the Spirit is referred to, it means the Holy Spirit... the Comforter God gave us when Jesus ascended into Heaven. That Spirit that lives within me as a follower and believer in Christ is not one of fear or timidness. When I rely on and live by that Spirit, I will not be fearful or timid because my Spirit cannot be. The flesh so easily can make us live in fear and shy away from anything and everything, but the Spirit within gives us the courage and strength. It gives me power, love, and self-discipline.
The self-discipline to wake up every day and try to live each day to the fullest. The self-discipline to look for a job each and every day no matter how bleak it seems. The self-discipline to fill out each application despite the repetitive information that I write on each one. The self-discipline to not wallow in my situation no matter how long it has been like this.
The love to continue loving myself even though the situation can make me feel pretty worthless and like yesterday's trash. The love to allows me to continually love the people with whom I used to work that let me go because I know that it wasn't their fault, no matter how much I might want to blame them sometimes. The love that keeps me from snapping when things aren't going so hot that day.
The power to head my high knowing that I am a child of the King, even if I don't always feel like it. The power to walk into interviews with confidence, knowing I am a good teacher and a worthy candidate. The power to be myself and express my views on education freely. The power to overcome the darkness that constantly tries to consume me through this whole process.
Hebrews 11:1
NIV "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."
NLT "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see."
When speaking about faith, this is the verse that I hear the most. What a difficult thing faith is! Even with the Spirit inside that gives me all that 2 Timothy speaks of, faith is hard to grasp sometimes. I know that not much faith is needed to make things happen and sometimes our faith must be strengthened and increased. This has definitely been a difficult time for my faith and it shows. I cannot see the job that God has or even the light at the end of this tunnel. It has seemed so dark and unfruitful for so long. I almost wonder if there is even an end! But through faith in God and that He knows what is best, I can have faith in that end and job that I cannot see. Through faith, I can have confidence knowing that security of a job that I hope and long for will happen. Having that faith is just so difficult sometimes! I struggle with it so much, even though I know that God provides. He has provided and kept me thus far. I will admit that some great things and benefits have happened through this time of not being able to find work. I am grateful and thankful for the opportunities that have been given to me through it.
I know He has a great plan for my life and He holds me in His hand, but that big picture is so hard to see. It is scary not knowing. If you know me, then you know I always like to have a plan. I look at the best and worst outcomes of all situations and try to plan accordingly for whatever may happen. I know that God's plan is not always my own and am ready for a change in plans whenever. However, I like to know or have a semblance of what is going on. I'm one of those people that needs to have a box, but can work inside or outside the box. I just need you to draw me the box first.
How do you get through the dark tunnel that seems to have no light? How do you push past the fleshly fear and lack of faith that creeps in sometimes? I'd love to hear what your thoughts are.
Tuesday, June 19
Waiting and falling
Patience is a virtue that I have always had trouble with when it comes to long wait periods. I was doing really well, but it's moving past the ideal time for teachers to get hired again. I have applied to so many schools, whether online or through mail. I lost count a long time ago. Every open job that I qualify for, whether I live close or not, I apply for. Out of all those applications, I've only had four interviews. Some call back to tell me the bad news and others have not given any news at all. It's hard to not know at all period. This whole process has been quite heartbreaking. It is so discouraging to constantly be rejected knowing that there is nothing else you would rather do. I have no idea what is going wrong. Do I give bad interviews? Is my file bad? Do I have bad references? I am so torn at what the problem is or what I am doing wrong. How is it so difficult to get a job? There isn't a whole lot that I am qualified to do beyond my degree. For other things, I am extremely over qualified. This is definitely a test at my ability to handle really tough situations. It's not fun and brings back a lot from old wounds. Going through this feels so lonely, not to mention being far away from home through this process. There is nothing to fall back on if nothing pans out. There is nothing left but faith. This is so much harder than I could ever have imagined and I feel so alone, even with all the friends and prayers I have. The bottle of emotions spills over in the secret. I am sure hoping that this will all get better and change. I'm unsure how much more I can handle, especially the rejection.
Sunday, April 8
Some good and some bad
Let's start with the good. First of all, today was Easter Sunday! The celebration of Christ being risen from the dead. I went to my old church and heard my old pastor/professor. It was great to hear one of his sermons again after the ones I had been used to hearing when I was going to church. It also was lovely to fellowship with people I have not seen in awhile and get to talking with them. Then I went to my sister's house with her family. We went out and played on their new trampoline. I think I might have even gotten a small tan in the process of jumping around. Then we went inside to dye some eggs. That was so much fun! The kids even said they love dying eggs with me and that I am so fun. Don't you love when kids compliment you? They are so honest and genuine. We had a scrumptious dinner. My princess woke up from her nap after that. Usually she runs out crying for her momma, but today she saw me and ran straight to the couch. She laid there snuggled up with me as she woke up and I watched that zoo movie that came out. Overall, pretty good day.
Now for the bad, aka me ranting/complaining. Sometimes you just have to get it out and here is where I do. Nosy people!!! Ugh! I cannot stand people asking questions to other people about you or to you just because they need something to talk about. They don't genuinely care, they just need a new topic of conversation. Fake people can jump right in there with them too, along with pushy people trying to get me back where I don't want to go. Then kids whining and complaining because things aren't fair and then some being treated unfairly to cater to others. It does make me appreciate how I was raise by my mom. Then my last rant is having to be the cheerleader. By that I mean, I feel like I am having to constantly encourage and bring out of discouragement two others who are in school like me. It seems like it is always on me and that I am always having to be the positive one or constantly listening to negative. I cannot stand it sometimes. I go crazy! I know we are to encourage others but sometimes I need some positive in my life too and not them pulling me down because they cannot be positive. I am prone to becoming depressed, especially when they are constantly negative. I am just tired of constantly being the cheerleader when I need to get my own work done and try to find a job. Sigh. I am ready for my classes to be done and theirs so I don't have to be the motivator every moment it seems.
Now for the bad, aka me ranting/complaining. Sometimes you just have to get it out and here is where I do. Nosy people!!! Ugh! I cannot stand people asking questions to other people about you or to you just because they need something to talk about. They don't genuinely care, they just need a new topic of conversation. Fake people can jump right in there with them too, along with pushy people trying to get me back where I don't want to go. Then kids whining and complaining because things aren't fair and then some being treated unfairly to cater to others. It does make me appreciate how I was raise by my mom. Then my last rant is having to be the cheerleader. By that I mean, I feel like I am having to constantly encourage and bring out of discouragement two others who are in school like me. It seems like it is always on me and that I am always having to be the positive one or constantly listening to negative. I cannot stand it sometimes. I go crazy! I know we are to encourage others but sometimes I need some positive in my life too and not them pulling me down because they cannot be positive. I am prone to becoming depressed, especially when they are constantly negative. I am just tired of constantly being the cheerleader when I need to get my own work done and try to find a job. Sigh. I am ready for my classes to be done and theirs so I don't have to be the motivator every moment it seems.
Saturday, March 31
First Job Interview
Today, I got a phone call for my first interview. It's for Wednesday morning. I am skipping observations for my action research project to go. The tricky part is that it is at least 1 hr and 45 minutes away. The interview will probably be 30 minutes max and then I drive right on back. It's a lot of driving, but it would give me a heads up on what the drive would be like if I got the job. I have signed my lease for my apartment until next March/April. The plus side to that is I have a strong feeling (based on the evidence in the apartment) that the foundation is slowly becoming unstable. I may be able to talk my way out of it if that is the case.
Me being the planning person that I am, all of a sudden I started planning the "what ifs" of this whole situation. Immediately, I started stressing and trying to look for places in the area or contemplating how I would be able to afford driving all that way every day. The other thing is making sure that I will have money until my first paycheck with any school that I work for. I know that God has my back. I also know that God will open wide the right doors for me that I need. If I follow the path that He has planned out for me, then everything that I need will fall into place. My need for control is the horrible side of me that desperately needs changing.
On some other notes, my mom is halfway on a decision to come for my Master's degree graduation. Just the potential of that is exciting. It's always fun for me to have Mom here and it's a break for her as well from life at home. She always loves reading books on my Nook too. :) One of my friend's is finally getting a chance to finish the last class he needs to say he completed his degree. I am helping him with planning, organizing and proofing his work. It's exciting because I get to see him more than I have been. Lastly, the class work load for this semester is turning out to be a whole lot easier than I thought. Some of it feels like busy work, but for the most part I am enjoying it. I think I will enjoy it in 34 days when I can says that I completed it all!
Me being the planning person that I am, all of a sudden I started planning the "what ifs" of this whole situation. Immediately, I started stressing and trying to look for places in the area or contemplating how I would be able to afford driving all that way every day. The other thing is making sure that I will have money until my first paycheck with any school that I work for. I know that God has my back. I also know that God will open wide the right doors for me that I need. If I follow the path that He has planned out for me, then everything that I need will fall into place. My need for control is the horrible side of me that desperately needs changing.
On some other notes, my mom is halfway on a decision to come for my Master's degree graduation. Just the potential of that is exciting. It's always fun for me to have Mom here and it's a break for her as well from life at home. She always loves reading books on my Nook too. :) One of my friend's is finally getting a chance to finish the last class he needs to say he completed his degree. I am helping him with planning, organizing and proofing his work. It's exciting because I get to see him more than I have been. Lastly, the class work load for this semester is turning out to be a whole lot easier than I thought. Some of it feels like busy work, but for the most part I am enjoying it. I think I will enjoy it in 34 days when I can says that I completed it all!
Sunday, March 18
The spring break my body took...
Apparently, my body found it necessary to take a spring break even though I wasn't really "breaking" from much. I have been sick since Thursday and it has not been fun. Granted, I had gotten pretty sick on Monday. I thought about going to the hospital it was so painful, but I just slept through the spurts of no pain instead. I shouldn't be surprised that after all that resting between pain spurts and doing nothing on Monday that by Thursday I was full blown weak, congested, sore throat, temperature flashes, etc. I am grateful my body chose now to take a break and get sick though. I know that when we get sick it's not really because our body's immune system is taking a break, but it sure feels like it. However, it was a week that I did not have much to do. Most of my tutoring was cancelled due to spring break, so I only had to cancel one lesson. I really should have been working on review stations for my first grade teachers I am working with, but beyond that, I had nothing pressing to complete.
That all changes this week, so I am glad that today I feel much better. I am not completely done, so I am still taking some immune boosting stuff and OTC meds. I know I've had some pretty tough and overwhelming courses in this degree, but this one I'm about to embark on appears to have a lot of work in it. Just when I am getting senioritis, this is not a good class to have. :) Since I am feeling better, my goal is to start tackling the parts of the assignments for the week that I can complete for both classes and then hopefully get back to making those stations I promised to do. My Windows gadget post-its are pretty full, so I am hoping to make them seem a bit smaller. ;)
When I was waking up and thinking this morning, I thought how wonderful it would be to have a house of my own. I know that this apartment should be able to feel like home to me. I have done a lot to it since moving in to add my touch to it as much as possible. I just don't feel like this is truly home because I cannot change things in it. When I purchase a home one day, I cannot wait to have it look like my personality. I want to be able to paint, decorate, and change it up to make it fit me (and my future spouses as well I guess, right). It made me wish I had a house like my grandma's. She and Grandpa have a pretty nice house. Two screened in porches with rooms that have a semi-open concept, which works well when a lot of family come over to visit. I would prefer a more open layout than that, but it's still a nice house. They have a decent (but not too large) yard and a perfect amount of rooms. To have a house about the size of theirs (unless my number of future children requires a larger one) in a nice little neighborhood is my dream. I may want a larger cozy screened in porch (either in the front or back), but it just got me thinking. Her house reminds me of what a home is like for me. I am sure whatever house that I end up living in, I will make my own and love it, but that will be my goal to at least achieve. And as much as I would love a beach nearby, if I stay around here, I don't think I could achieve that one... but a girl can dream right?
47 days til I graduate!
That all changes this week, so I am glad that today I feel much better. I am not completely done, so I am still taking some immune boosting stuff and OTC meds. I know I've had some pretty tough and overwhelming courses in this degree, but this one I'm about to embark on appears to have a lot of work in it. Just when I am getting senioritis, this is not a good class to have. :) Since I am feeling better, my goal is to start tackling the parts of the assignments for the week that I can complete for both classes and then hopefully get back to making those stations I promised to do. My Windows gadget post-its are pretty full, so I am hoping to make them seem a bit smaller. ;)
When I was waking up and thinking this morning, I thought how wonderful it would be to have a house of my own. I know that this apartment should be able to feel like home to me. I have done a lot to it since moving in to add my touch to it as much as possible. I just don't feel like this is truly home because I cannot change things in it. When I purchase a home one day, I cannot wait to have it look like my personality. I want to be able to paint, decorate, and change it up to make it fit me (and my future spouses as well I guess, right). It made me wish I had a house like my grandma's. She and Grandpa have a pretty nice house. Two screened in porches with rooms that have a semi-open concept, which works well when a lot of family come over to visit. I would prefer a more open layout than that, but it's still a nice house. They have a decent (but not too large) yard and a perfect amount of rooms. To have a house about the size of theirs (unless my number of future children requires a larger one) in a nice little neighborhood is my dream. I may want a larger cozy screened in porch (either in the front or back), but it just got me thinking. Her house reminds me of what a home is like for me. I am sure whatever house that I end up living in, I will make my own and love it, but that will be my goal to at least achieve. And as much as I would love a beach nearby, if I stay around here, I don't think I could achieve that one... but a girl can dream right?
47 days til I graduate!
Monday, March 5
Date Weekend
This weekend was interesting. It was one that wasn't going to happen, but since his car needed to be fixed, I allowed him to come over. It ended up working out great.
First of all, we did end up going out to eat. The food was good and we had great conversation. It felt like we were a real couple out on a real date. The waiter and staff were great too! Cheddars made for a great place to eat and have a great date. Following that, we didn't have any specific plans, but decided to head to the movies. We went and saw Safe House, although I am sure he could have seen Act of Valor too. Safe House was a great movie, but the sound was so loud! I forgot how loud movie theaters are. The sound was so loud, certain parts of the movie "scared" me and made me jump. It was good though because he was right there next to me holding my hand. Even though he was stressing about his homework at times, we ended up having a great time watching the movie.
The other plus side of the weekend was the talk I got to have with him about his work. I got to say everything that I have been wanting to say and everything I said to my mom and Anne. He heard it and was upset at first but ended up getting work done. It ended up he got more work done than he has in a while after that conversation. It was needed and I hope it took root. We shall see.
I finished my class for this half of the semester with a 100%! I'm so excited to have gotten a perfect grade in this class, keeping my overall 4.0 in this degree. The action research stations are a bit rough on me because I am trying to knock out a lot of stations at one time. I think the teachers like them so far. I am really hoping this project comes together. I am still fearful because the actual action research class hasn't started yet. I just really hope I am doing everything that I am supposed to for this class. The teachers are being great about it all though. They have been wonderful and open to everything I need to do. My goal is to not only complete this project, but also to help these teachers and ease some of the stress they have on them.
After spring break (next week), I begin my last two classes that I need to complete for graduation. I am excited that the end is almost here. Only 60 days left until graduation.
First of all, we did end up going out to eat. The food was good and we had great conversation. It felt like we were a real couple out on a real date. The waiter and staff were great too! Cheddars made for a great place to eat and have a great date. Following that, we didn't have any specific plans, but decided to head to the movies. We went and saw Safe House, although I am sure he could have seen Act of Valor too. Safe House was a great movie, but the sound was so loud! I forgot how loud movie theaters are. The sound was so loud, certain parts of the movie "scared" me and made me jump. It was good though because he was right there next to me holding my hand. Even though he was stressing about his homework at times, we ended up having a great time watching the movie.
The other plus side of the weekend was the talk I got to have with him about his work. I got to say everything that I have been wanting to say and everything I said to my mom and Anne. He heard it and was upset at first but ended up getting work done. It ended up he got more work done than he has in a while after that conversation. It was needed and I hope it took root. We shall see.
I finished my class for this half of the semester with a 100%! I'm so excited to have gotten a perfect grade in this class, keeping my overall 4.0 in this degree. The action research stations are a bit rough on me because I am trying to knock out a lot of stations at one time. I think the teachers like them so far. I am really hoping this project comes together. I am still fearful because the actual action research class hasn't started yet. I just really hope I am doing everything that I am supposed to for this class. The teachers are being great about it all though. They have been wonderful and open to everything I need to do. My goal is to not only complete this project, but also to help these teachers and ease some of the stress they have on them.
After spring break (next week), I begin my last two classes that I need to complete for graduation. I am excited that the end is almost here. Only 60 days left until graduation.
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