Pastor preached a message this morning that spoke to me and made lots of sense. Even though I am not a good chess player, I do understand the game. He described times when Satan thought that he had God and the saints in "checkmate", but what he doesn't see is that God, the king, has the final move. No matter how much we feel our back is against the wall and there is no way out (checkmate), God always has a way out, a final move if you will. Great sermon! He gave Biblical examples from throughout the Bible and then applied it to our lives.
If you have been reading my previous posts, then you know that I have felt like this job I took has put me in a corner financially that I was unsure I can get out of. But I forgot that in my life it's never "I", it's "we". God and I. It's not whether or not I can get out of it or if I can make it work, it's if "we" can make it work. Nothing is impossible with God and He will never leave us. So when I have done all that I can do, that's where God can work. I need to do my part and let Him do his. The final move is His and He always has one. Satan does not know His plans (unless He allows the plans to be known) and sometimes I don't either. God does not have to explain Himself. He knows the outcome and I'm glad to know that He always wins. There is never a doubt or guess about that, it's fact. Just some thoughts to share.
Sunday, August 12
Saturday, August 11
The provisions begin
Well, God has already started removing expenses from my life for this new job. Even after talking with Mom yesterday, last night was still intense. As I was checking my account to see which bills had cleared, I noticed that one of my automatic payments was lower than normal. Although that means that I will be saving some money it is still a little sad because one of my kids was departed from the program. So even though I would not drop my sponsorships (or rather didn't want to in order to save money), one was removed for me. I'm not excited about it, but I am glad that the large number of how deep in I am has gone down slightly. There are more things I need to try to cut on, but I am slowly working on that. Also I am looking into getting a job on the weekends (Saturday and Sunday), but I am worried about missing church. I am hoping that God will allow me to find a job that I can do those two days, but not have to miss church. Maybe even just one of those days. Working only all day Saturday only would be ideal, but nothing is impossible for God! Who knows? It could turn into a full-time summer job and part-time during the holiday breaks where I may not be able to work as much at this new job.
Friday, August 10
Mom
I decided to call mom. Talking to mom usually makes things better. We discussed some options on my car so that I can finally get it turned over to me and have it all put in my name. They think it would be cheaper to pay my insurance in Texas, for which I grateful that they would still help pay. I don't think I would be able to handle yet another expense. Then we talked about me moving back up North. Really the only thing that is truly "holding me back" is my lease contract. Once that ends in April, there is a possibility that moving up North could prove for better job options. The current discussion leads to MD, but time will tell if that is a possibility. From the MD website I saw, changing over my certificate wouldn't be so hard since I've taught for 3 years already. That also would mean being able to be closer to family, which would be helpful in these economic times. I don't know what I think about this plan, but having more options doesn't sound so bad.
Talking things through with Mom makes me feel like this is the job I need to be at, even with all the sacrifices and craziness that will ensue. Even if other jobs come up, this may be the one that I still choose. I asked God for open or closed and this is the only one that has been wide open. I cannot argue with that sense. There must be purpose in the reasons behind having this particular one.
Talking things through with Mom makes me feel like this is the job I need to be at, even with all the sacrifices and craziness that will ensue. Even if other jobs come up, this may be the one that I still choose. I asked God for open or closed and this is the only one that has been wide open. I cannot argue with that sense. There must be purpose in the reasons behind having this particular one.
The job
Well, I should be excited. I have found a job working at a local Christian preschool. Part of the day I am the music assistant and the other part of the day I will be in different classes. It sounds like a great job and I will be working with some people that I already know. It's close to home and the hours aren't that bad. So what's the problem you say? The money that it makes without any benefits covered and I have student loans out the wazoo. I tallied up how much I would have to pay in bills/loans for an entire year (including estimated gas and without groceries) versus how much I would make (even with tutoring on the side). It didn't come out too good. Being able to rely on God for THAT MUCH extra money is just whoa.
There are things that I am looking into changing, but even those will be leaps of faith. For example, I feel like I am having structural problems in my apartment, which I have brought to the attention of the complex, but not made a big fuss about. However, if they are planning on moving someone in upstairs, I sure will! But, if I can manage to get out of this one and into a smaller one (even though I may lose W/D in that instance *BOOO*) it would save me some. The heartbreaker to cut out would be Compassion. That eats up a lot of my money, but I feel that it is going to such a great cause and they need it too. I love those kiddos and to have to take away my sponsorship would hurt. Once I get a finalized schedule and officially hired response, I will be off unemployment and calling my student loan companies. Sallie Mae is the only one that I am currently dealing with and the rest starts in December. It almost makes me wish I didn't go back to school, but I did learn a lot and it has kept me sane during this period of unemployment. I am hoping that there is a way that I can have my loan payments reduced or stop for a bit or something.
Grandma called me the other day. She suggested I move in with her and find some work. Thinking about it, it wouldn't be too awful to move back. However, finding teaching jobs there would be an easier from what I have heard and I have no knowledge of how things work up there. That freaks me out a little. The cool part would be seeing family and friends up there more often and learning how to cook other things from Grandma. Did I mention that I love her back porch too? Lol. Of course, I would pay her some amount for being able to live there (whether or not she wanted it) and groceries etc. Maybe when this lease is up? I don't know.
Being around family would be so helpful right now. This is so scary being down here and the prospect of things falling apart. I just don't know how this is going to work out. I guess that is where God comes in, huh? Taking what I cannot do and making it work.
There are things that I am looking into changing, but even those will be leaps of faith. For example, I feel like I am having structural problems in my apartment, which I have brought to the attention of the complex, but not made a big fuss about. However, if they are planning on moving someone in upstairs, I sure will! But, if I can manage to get out of this one and into a smaller one (even though I may lose W/D in that instance *BOOO*) it would save me some. The heartbreaker to cut out would be Compassion. That eats up a lot of my money, but I feel that it is going to such a great cause and they need it too. I love those kiddos and to have to take away my sponsorship would hurt. Once I get a finalized schedule and officially hired response, I will be off unemployment and calling my student loan companies. Sallie Mae is the only one that I am currently dealing with and the rest starts in December. It almost makes me wish I didn't go back to school, but I did learn a lot and it has kept me sane during this period of unemployment. I am hoping that there is a way that I can have my loan payments reduced or stop for a bit or something.
Grandma called me the other day. She suggested I move in with her and find some work. Thinking about it, it wouldn't be too awful to move back. However, finding teaching jobs there would be an easier from what I have heard and I have no knowledge of how things work up there. That freaks me out a little. The cool part would be seeing family and friends up there more often and learning how to cook other things from Grandma. Did I mention that I love her back porch too? Lol. Of course, I would pay her some amount for being able to live there (whether or not she wanted it) and groceries etc. Maybe when this lease is up? I don't know.
Being around family would be so helpful right now. This is so scary being down here and the prospect of things falling apart. I just don't know how this is going to work out. I guess that is where God comes in, huh? Taking what I cannot do and making it work.
Friday, July 13
2 Timothy 1:7, Hebrews 11:1
NKJV "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."
NIV "For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline."
2 Timothy 1:7
Today, this verse came to me and made me think. I am trying not to be fearful or timid (mainly fearful) during this time. I cannot begin to express the strain it has placed on my emotions and where it has taken me. The walls that I have to put up for my own benefit are ridiculous. Sometimes you just have to put the walls up so you can make it through the day. But then as I was looking up the different translations of the verse (and posted the two I liked best), I realized that it is not me who is not fearful, but the spirit within me. When the Spirit is referred to, it means the Holy Spirit... the Comforter God gave us when Jesus ascended into Heaven. That Spirit that lives within me as a follower and believer in Christ is not one of fear or timidness. When I rely on and live by that Spirit, I will not be fearful or timid because my Spirit cannot be. The flesh so easily can make us live in fear and shy away from anything and everything, but the Spirit within gives us the courage and strength. It gives me power, love, and self-discipline.
The self-discipline to wake up every day and try to live each day to the fullest. The self-discipline to look for a job each and every day no matter how bleak it seems. The self-discipline to fill out each application despite the repetitive information that I write on each one. The self-discipline to not wallow in my situation no matter how long it has been like this.
The love to continue loving myself even though the situation can make me feel pretty worthless and like yesterday's trash. The love to allows me to continually love the people with whom I used to work that let me go because I know that it wasn't their fault, no matter how much I might want to blame them sometimes. The love that keeps me from snapping when things aren't going so hot that day.
The power to head my high knowing that I am a child of the King, even if I don't always feel like it. The power to walk into interviews with confidence, knowing I am a good teacher and a worthy candidate. The power to be myself and express my views on education freely. The power to overcome the darkness that constantly tries to consume me through this whole process.
Hebrews 11:1
NIV "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."
NLT "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see."
When speaking about faith, this is the verse that I hear the most. What a difficult thing faith is! Even with the Spirit inside that gives me all that 2 Timothy speaks of, faith is hard to grasp sometimes. I know that not much faith is needed to make things happen and sometimes our faith must be strengthened and increased. This has definitely been a difficult time for my faith and it shows. I cannot see the job that God has or even the light at the end of this tunnel. It has seemed so dark and unfruitful for so long. I almost wonder if there is even an end! But through faith in God and that He knows what is best, I can have faith in that end and job that I cannot see. Through faith, I can have confidence knowing that security of a job that I hope and long for will happen. Having that faith is just so difficult sometimes! I struggle with it so much, even though I know that God provides. He has provided and kept me thus far. I will admit that some great things and benefits have happened through this time of not being able to find work. I am grateful and thankful for the opportunities that have been given to me through it.
I know He has a great plan for my life and He holds me in His hand, but that big picture is so hard to see. It is scary not knowing. If you know me, then you know I always like to have a plan. I look at the best and worst outcomes of all situations and try to plan accordingly for whatever may happen. I know that God's plan is not always my own and am ready for a change in plans whenever. However, I like to know or have a semblance of what is going on. I'm one of those people that needs to have a box, but can work inside or outside the box. I just need you to draw me the box first.
How do you get through the dark tunnel that seems to have no light? How do you push past the fleshly fear and lack of faith that creeps in sometimes? I'd love to hear what your thoughts are.
NIV "For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline."
2 Timothy 1:7
Today, this verse came to me and made me think. I am trying not to be fearful or timid (mainly fearful) during this time. I cannot begin to express the strain it has placed on my emotions and where it has taken me. The walls that I have to put up for my own benefit are ridiculous. Sometimes you just have to put the walls up so you can make it through the day. But then as I was looking up the different translations of the verse (and posted the two I liked best), I realized that it is not me who is not fearful, but the spirit within me. When the Spirit is referred to, it means the Holy Spirit... the Comforter God gave us when Jesus ascended into Heaven. That Spirit that lives within me as a follower and believer in Christ is not one of fear or timidness. When I rely on and live by that Spirit, I will not be fearful or timid because my Spirit cannot be. The flesh so easily can make us live in fear and shy away from anything and everything, but the Spirit within gives us the courage and strength. It gives me power, love, and self-discipline.
The self-discipline to wake up every day and try to live each day to the fullest. The self-discipline to look for a job each and every day no matter how bleak it seems. The self-discipline to fill out each application despite the repetitive information that I write on each one. The self-discipline to not wallow in my situation no matter how long it has been like this.
The love to continue loving myself even though the situation can make me feel pretty worthless and like yesterday's trash. The love to allows me to continually love the people with whom I used to work that let me go because I know that it wasn't their fault, no matter how much I might want to blame them sometimes. The love that keeps me from snapping when things aren't going so hot that day.
The power to head my high knowing that I am a child of the King, even if I don't always feel like it. The power to walk into interviews with confidence, knowing I am a good teacher and a worthy candidate. The power to be myself and express my views on education freely. The power to overcome the darkness that constantly tries to consume me through this whole process.
Hebrews 11:1
NIV "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."
NLT "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see."
When speaking about faith, this is the verse that I hear the most. What a difficult thing faith is! Even with the Spirit inside that gives me all that 2 Timothy speaks of, faith is hard to grasp sometimes. I know that not much faith is needed to make things happen and sometimes our faith must be strengthened and increased. This has definitely been a difficult time for my faith and it shows. I cannot see the job that God has or even the light at the end of this tunnel. It has seemed so dark and unfruitful for so long. I almost wonder if there is even an end! But through faith in God and that He knows what is best, I can have faith in that end and job that I cannot see. Through faith, I can have confidence knowing that security of a job that I hope and long for will happen. Having that faith is just so difficult sometimes! I struggle with it so much, even though I know that God provides. He has provided and kept me thus far. I will admit that some great things and benefits have happened through this time of not being able to find work. I am grateful and thankful for the opportunities that have been given to me through it.
I know He has a great plan for my life and He holds me in His hand, but that big picture is so hard to see. It is scary not knowing. If you know me, then you know I always like to have a plan. I look at the best and worst outcomes of all situations and try to plan accordingly for whatever may happen. I know that God's plan is not always my own and am ready for a change in plans whenever. However, I like to know or have a semblance of what is going on. I'm one of those people that needs to have a box, but can work inside or outside the box. I just need you to draw me the box first.
How do you get through the dark tunnel that seems to have no light? How do you push past the fleshly fear and lack of faith that creeps in sometimes? I'd love to hear what your thoughts are.
Tuesday, June 19
Waiting and falling
Patience is a virtue that I have always had trouble with when it comes to long wait periods. I was doing really well, but it's moving past the ideal time for teachers to get hired again. I have applied to so many schools, whether online or through mail. I lost count a long time ago. Every open job that I qualify for, whether I live close or not, I apply for. Out of all those applications, I've only had four interviews. Some call back to tell me the bad news and others have not given any news at all. It's hard to not know at all period. This whole process has been quite heartbreaking. It is so discouraging to constantly be rejected knowing that there is nothing else you would rather do. I have no idea what is going wrong. Do I give bad interviews? Is my file bad? Do I have bad references? I am so torn at what the problem is or what I am doing wrong. How is it so difficult to get a job? There isn't a whole lot that I am qualified to do beyond my degree. For other things, I am extremely over qualified. This is definitely a test at my ability to handle really tough situations. It's not fun and brings back a lot from old wounds. Going through this feels so lonely, not to mention being far away from home through this process. There is nothing to fall back on if nothing pans out. There is nothing left but faith. This is so much harder than I could ever have imagined and I feel so alone, even with all the friends and prayers I have. The bottle of emotions spills over in the secret. I am sure hoping that this will all get better and change. I'm unsure how much more I can handle, especially the rejection.
Sunday, April 8
Some good and some bad
Let's start with the good. First of all, today was Easter Sunday! The celebration of Christ being risen from the dead. I went to my old church and heard my old pastor/professor. It was great to hear one of his sermons again after the ones I had been used to hearing when I was going to church. It also was lovely to fellowship with people I have not seen in awhile and get to talking with them. Then I went to my sister's house with her family. We went out and played on their new trampoline. I think I might have even gotten a small tan in the process of jumping around. Then we went inside to dye some eggs. That was so much fun! The kids even said they love dying eggs with me and that I am so fun. Don't you love when kids compliment you? They are so honest and genuine. We had a scrumptious dinner. My princess woke up from her nap after that. Usually she runs out crying for her momma, but today she saw me and ran straight to the couch. She laid there snuggled up with me as she woke up and I watched that zoo movie that came out. Overall, pretty good day.
Now for the bad, aka me ranting/complaining. Sometimes you just have to get it out and here is where I do. Nosy people!!! Ugh! I cannot stand people asking questions to other people about you or to you just because they need something to talk about. They don't genuinely care, they just need a new topic of conversation. Fake people can jump right in there with them too, along with pushy people trying to get me back where I don't want to go. Then kids whining and complaining because things aren't fair and then some being treated unfairly to cater to others. It does make me appreciate how I was raise by my mom. Then my last rant is having to be the cheerleader. By that I mean, I feel like I am having to constantly encourage and bring out of discouragement two others who are in school like me. It seems like it is always on me and that I am always having to be the positive one or constantly listening to negative. I cannot stand it sometimes. I go crazy! I know we are to encourage others but sometimes I need some positive in my life too and not them pulling me down because they cannot be positive. I am prone to becoming depressed, especially when they are constantly negative. I am just tired of constantly being the cheerleader when I need to get my own work done and try to find a job. Sigh. I am ready for my classes to be done and theirs so I don't have to be the motivator every moment it seems.
Now for the bad, aka me ranting/complaining. Sometimes you just have to get it out and here is where I do. Nosy people!!! Ugh! I cannot stand people asking questions to other people about you or to you just because they need something to talk about. They don't genuinely care, they just need a new topic of conversation. Fake people can jump right in there with them too, along with pushy people trying to get me back where I don't want to go. Then kids whining and complaining because things aren't fair and then some being treated unfairly to cater to others. It does make me appreciate how I was raise by my mom. Then my last rant is having to be the cheerleader. By that I mean, I feel like I am having to constantly encourage and bring out of discouragement two others who are in school like me. It seems like it is always on me and that I am always having to be the positive one or constantly listening to negative. I cannot stand it sometimes. I go crazy! I know we are to encourage others but sometimes I need some positive in my life too and not them pulling me down because they cannot be positive. I am prone to becoming depressed, especially when they are constantly negative. I am just tired of constantly being the cheerleader when I need to get my own work done and try to find a job. Sigh. I am ready for my classes to be done and theirs so I don't have to be the motivator every moment it seems.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
