First Job Interview

Today, I got a phone call for my first interview. It's for Wednesday morning. I am skipping observations for my action research project to go. The tricky part is that it is at least 1 hr and 45 minutes away. The interview will probably be 30 minutes max and then I drive right on back. It's a lot of driving, but it would give me a heads up on what the drive would be like if I got the job. I have signed my lease for my apartment until next March/April. The plus side to that is I have a strong feeling (based on the evidence in the apartment) that the foundation is slowly becoming unstable. I may be able to talk my way out of it if that is the case.

Me being the planning person that I am, all of a sudden I started planning the "what ifs" of this whole situation. Immediately, I started stressing and trying to look for places in the area or contemplating how I would be able to afford driving all that way every day. The other thing is making sure that I will have money until my first paycheck with any school that I work for. I know that God has my back. I also know that God will open wide the right doors for me that I need. If I follow the path that He has planned out for me,  then everything that I need will fall into place. My need for control is the horrible side of me that desperately needs changing.

On some other notes, my mom is halfway on a decision to come for my Master's degree graduation. Just the potential of that is exciting. It's always fun for me to have Mom here and it's a break for her as well from life at home. She always loves reading books on my Nook too. :) One of my friend's is finally getting a chance to finish the last class he needs to say he completed his degree. I am helping him with planning, organizing and proofing his work. It's exciting because I get to see him more than I have been. Lastly, the class work load for this semester is turning out to be a whole lot easier than I thought. Some of it feels like busy work, but for the most part I am enjoying it. I think I will enjoy it in 34 days when I can says that I completed it all!

The spring break my body took...

Apparently, my body found it necessary to take a spring break even though I wasn't really "breaking" from much. I have been sick since Thursday and it has not been fun. Granted, I had gotten pretty sick on Monday. I thought about going to the hospital it was so painful, but I just slept through the spurts of no pain instead. I shouldn't be surprised that after all that resting between pain spurts and doing nothing on Monday that by Thursday I was full blown weak, congested, sore throat, temperature flashes, etc. I am grateful my body chose now to take a break and get sick though. I know that when we get sick it's not really because our body's immune system is taking a break, but it sure feels like it. However, it was a week that I did not have much to do. Most of my tutoring was cancelled due to spring break, so I only had to cancel one lesson. I really should have been working on review stations for my first grade teachers I am working with, but beyond that, I had nothing pressing to complete.

That all changes this week, so I am glad that today I feel much better. I am not completely done, so I am still taking some immune boosting stuff and OTC meds. I know I've had some pretty tough and overwhelming courses in this degree, but this one I'm about to embark on appears to have a lot of work in it. Just when I am getting senioritis, this is not a good class to have. :) Since I am feeling better, my goal is to start tackling the parts of the assignments for the week that I can complete for both classes and then hopefully get back to making those stations I promised to do. My Windows gadget post-its are pretty full, so I am hoping to make them seem a bit smaller. ;)

When I was waking up and thinking this morning, I thought how wonderful it would be to have a house of my own. I know that this apartment should be able to feel like home to me. I have done a lot to it since moving in to add my touch to it as much as possible. I just don't feel like this is truly home because I cannot change things in it. When I purchase a home one day, I cannot wait to have it look like my personality. I want to be able to paint, decorate, and change it up to make it fit me (and my future spouses as well I guess, right). It made me wish I had a house like my grandma's. She and Grandpa have a pretty nice house. Two screened in porches with rooms that have a semi-open concept, which works well when a lot of family come over to visit. I would prefer a more open layout than that, but it's still a nice house. They have a decent (but not too large) yard and a perfect amount of rooms. To have a house about the size of theirs (unless my number of future children requires a larger one) in a nice little neighborhood is my dream. I may want a larger cozy screened in porch (either in the front or back), but it just got me thinking. Her house reminds me of what a home is like for me. I am sure whatever house that I end up living in, I will make my own and love it, but that will be my goal to at least achieve. And as much as I would love a beach nearby, if I stay around here, I don't think I could achieve that one... but a girl can dream right?

47 days til I graduate!

Date Weekend

This weekend was interesting. It was one that wasn't going to happen, but since his car needed to be fixed, I allowed him to come over. It ended up working out great.

First of all, we did end up going out to eat. The food was good and we had great conversation. It felt like we were a real couple out on a real date. The waiter and staff were great too! Cheddars made for a great place to eat and have a great date. Following that, we didn't have any specific plans, but decided to head to the movies. We went and saw Safe House, although I am sure he could have seen Act of Valor too. Safe House was a great movie, but the sound was so loud! I forgot how loud movie theaters are. The sound was so loud, certain parts of the movie "scared" me and made me jump. It was good though because he was right there next to me holding my hand. Even though he was stressing about his homework at times, we ended up having a great time watching the movie.

The other plus side of the weekend was the talk I got to have with him about his work. I got to say everything that I have been wanting to say and everything I said to my mom and Anne. He heard it and was upset at first but ended up getting work done. It ended up he got more work done than he has in a while after that conversation. It was needed and I hope it took root. We shall see.

I finished my class for this half of the semester with a 100%! I'm so excited to have gotten a perfect grade in this class, keeping my overall 4.0 in this degree. The action research stations are a bit rough on me because I am trying to knock out a lot of stations at one time. I think the teachers like them so far. I am really hoping this project comes together. I am still fearful because the actual action research class hasn't started yet. I just really hope I am doing everything that I am supposed to for this class. The teachers are being great about it all though. They have been wonderful and open to everything I need to do. My goal is to not only complete this project, but also to help these teachers and ease some of the stress they have on them.

After spring break (next week), I begin my last two classes that I need to complete for graduation. I am excited that the end is almost here. Only 60 days left until graduation.

Senioritis

Ok, so there is no senior level in a Master's program. I have that feeling you get when you know that summer (or the end of school) is coming so that you don't want to do anything. The worst part is that my class is really not that hard. I fear that the second half of the semester may not be so easy since it includes my action research project, but the aspect of being done with school is a good motivator. For now though, it is far enough away that it doesn't quite motivate me yet and the work seems so easy that I don't want to do it. Good thing I have people like Anne to keep me smiling and moving along, plus my faithful friend Pandora! :) With all that being said, I did finish the research paper that was due at midnight today. Thankfully, all I had to do was throw together some information and make it sound good because I had already done the research and reading for the topic. The "senioritis" hit me like a ton of bricks, but isn't it amazing that as soon as I am finished... the energy won't stop! Everything that I kept trying to use as an excuse of why I needed a break or a nap or to just stop for a while is gone. It also helps that there is a procrastinator sitting not far away to remind me what not getting my work done looks ad feels like.

On another train of thought, if this is what happens whenever I get near a graduation, do I really want this to happen during a doctorate degree? I know that the prospect of the work being "too easy" in a doctorate degree is insane, so I won't even broach that one.... although I did think that a Master's degree would be unattainable. I will have to mull that one over. Good thing I didn't have to take the GRE to get into my Master's program because if I did, I don't think I would have ever started. That may actually be the only thing that will hold me back from a doctorate too.

In more news, I talked to Mom about possibly coming to my graduation in May and she thinks it has potential! That is exciting news! Last time Mom came to my place we had a good time, so that is something that I can look forward to. Plus it will get me out of the house and give me something to do other than think about the job that I don't have.

Welp, off to go kill some time in a mindless-ish game before I begin to tackle the new assignments this week will hold!

Grown-up version of pen pals

Today I realized that all those teenage years of wanting a pen pal has been given to me, but it's a way that has a much more positive impact. I am talking about writing letters to my Compassion kids. I have been so blessed to be able to sponsor 5 beautiful ladies and correspond with one beautiful lady... altogether 6 beautiful young ladies. Why am I so excited about it today? I am excited because I just wrote letters to them (which also included a picture) with shiny heart stickers, in honor of Valentine's this month, that I cannot wait for them to receive! I wish I could be there to see their faces as they open up their translated letter and see these shiny stickers! :) I also recently received a letter from one of my older girls where she began becoming inquisitive based upon letters we have been writing back and forth instead of the letters they copy down when they are at the center. I got really excited! Their artwork is also so priceless! :) The greatest part of Compassion International's letter process is that letters can be handwritten or done online. That has made letter writing a lot easier on my wrist and makes a great way for me to send pictures without having to print them out. I love it! I am so glad that God struck the strings in my heart at a Compassion table at a Creation Festival all those years ago to begin this wonderful process of sponsoring children while spreading the message of Christ!

Last night was my Skype date with Anne, which is always exciting! What made that more exciting was that I received a letter from her from KOREA! :) I must say that living through my cousin's adventures in Korea is enough for me. I am so glad that she and I decided to make a monthly standing date to talk over Skype. There is never a set topic. We just talk as if we were hanging out and sitting next to each other on the couch having a girls night. I have decided that as time allows us that she and I also should write each other. I just think it is so awesome to be able to receive mail from around the world.

The last topic of interest is my upcoming graduation. According to my little countdown gadget from Windows 7, I have 83 days left until graduation day where I will officially have a Master's in Education. :) I still plan on getting my doctorate, but I think that will wait awhile since taking the GRE seems so daunting. Sigh. However, I hope that this degree opens some doors that I need God to open, or even a window. I am enjoying the opportunities not having a job and getting a Master's degree has posed for me though. I am observing a class in the school I used to work in, so I get to see all my beautiful "babies" that I had my first year there. Some of my "babies" from last year have spotted me! It's been so lovely to see all their familiar faces, along with those of my colleagues, who also happen to be my friends! I know that I look forward to my Thursdays, even if it means I get little sleep due to unneeded nerves. I hope that I can make their busy weeks brighter as I pop in on Thursdays as well. Hopefully, I will be able to continue my time there with my action research project. I plan to meet with the principal Thursday to see how that goes. Fingers crossed!

Now I'm off to get some chow and find some good work for my new tutoring student! Yes, I have acquired another student to tutor!

Last semester... for now.

Since today is Monday, that means today begins my last semester as a Master's student in Curriculum and Instruction. I mention the particular degree because I am unsure whether or not this will be my last degree in the Master field. I also cannot say that it is my last graduate degree either because I might head towards that much elusive Doctorate. I want to feel accomplished and like all my hard work and God-given brains has done something productive. Being unemployed has quickly dampened that feeling. I feel so often that my gift of teaching and the intellect that has been given to me has been wasted. I know that I contribute to the education of those few that I am tutoring and of course, to my fellow classmates, but that doesn't feel like enough. I love to teach! I do not care in what capacity, but I want to teach and make a difference to many. I have been given that ability and not being able to use it is so stifling!! Imagine doing something that you love and knowing that you are giving your all and people agree that you do it well, and then having it taken from you. After that, you are constantly told that your abilities and background are not what they are looking for. It's like being told that you are constantly not good enough.

I hate that feeling.

Yes, I know that I should not judge my worth and such by others and their standards. I get that. It does not change how I feel. I do not know how to do much else but teach. To pay all my bills, especially the upcoming educational ones, I cannot afford to start over again or not get a job in the field of education. Although teachers are greatly underpaid for what they do every day, I would be satisfied and content to have a teacher's salary with benefits. I would love to be able to afford the health insurance that I had so I can keep my doctors.

I cut myself off from people. I do it so I do not have to rely on them to help with monetary things. It is so much easier to deny offers to go out and hang out if you are no longer offered those experiences because you have distanced yourself. I won't have to worry about the gas required to get there or someone coming to pick me up and having to rely on them. I won't have to worry about what my part of the bill will be or praying that they might offer to cover them tab, even after my obligatory refusal to be polite.

I hate that feeling.

I hope that this degree finishing might be able to open some doors for me. I am pretty unsure of where to go from here. I am leaving it in God's hands, but all this uncertainty and waiting is scaring me. I keep searching and applying for jobs, now without caring where in the state they are. I know that He has a greater purpose, He always does... but gosh! Does it have to be so scary and almost defeating? I know, in our weakest hours, that is when He is the strongest and able to show that it was nothing else but the power of God. There are lots of things that I know. I can spout off things left and right. I tend to have the right words to say at the right time. Another beautiful quality that I thank God for giving to me. However, I have realized that knowing and truly, deep-heartedly believing are two extremely different things. I am pretty scared and unsure.

I hate that feeling.

Until the feeling goes and God brings about the change and deliverance I need, I will have to keep pressing through and muddling through what is now known as my life. Striving for and seeking to do the best that I am able to give and let God take it and do with it what He will. He has helped me to accomplish so much, so I know that He can do so much more. I just wish that it would happen sooner, but everything all in His time... right?

So now I wait...

New year... new prospects?

This week has been a rough one. It started with Christmas until now. I can't say that Christmas was horrible because it was good. I felt loved and remembered in the beginning half, but felt forgotten and left out in the second half. It was a difficult realization. Since then, it has been difficult having those thoughts in my head.

Then this week, I was looking at jobs like I always do and felt so hopeless. I tried looking outside my field, but anything that would even begin to cover bills (plus insurance which I need but can't afford) needs more experience and education within that field. Oh how I wish I was in a classroom teaching! Looking into subbing has proved to be discouraging as well. If I go into subbing, I would have to rely solely on subbing and subbing jobs to support myself, which also would probably not be enough. Then during spring break, I would not make anything (not good) and would have to find some sort of summer job to support myself. All this I would need to do while continuing to look for a permanent job.

Although I know that there are many people that are worse off than myself, it would be so much more helpful to have family that lived near by that I could move in with (and not be a burden) and put my stuff in storage. I find myself so often on the verge of tears and then play mindless computer games or watch tv to keep my mind from thinking. It becomes so overwhelming at times. I wish there was a job that I could work, that I was qualified for, that would support me, that would allow me to continue the tutoring commitments I already have, and that was available! Sigh. I know that God supplies all of my needs, but it is so scary to think of not being able to pay my bills and being evicted out of my apartment. :( I cannot help but be fearful and worry. I feel like I would have no where to really go. It gets so lonely here sometimes when I realize how far away people that could help me are. Sadly, I also realize that even if I was living with them, I would have trouble finding a job there as well.

I just really need a miracle... or a job or of money to cover me until that job comes available. I search relentlessly without any glimmers of hope. I keep hoping and praying that as the "normal" hiring time comes around (Feb, Mar, Apr) that people will be hiring even though budget cuts are still coming.

On a semi-positive note, I am working out again. It feels really good. I am taking it slower, but it is helping me feel "happier" during the day and makes me sleep better at night. It helps a lot and will help my image as well. I am hoping by the time I end up getting a job that I will be in shape and it will be a lifestyle for me. I have worked hard to cook better and we will see how it works. Travis seems to be liking my cooking, so I guess it can't be that bad. I am walking in my dad's shoes... testing out my recipes and cooking methods on myself and Travis. :) So far, I haven't made anyone sick. Hopefully, I will begin to take more of an interest in cooking and go shopping based upon recipes and using fresh food. I imagine I could spend a month with my cousin, Anne, and she could teach me how to cook healthy and master a bunch of different recipes.