So yesterday was a good day. I believe my cousin and I talk more now that she is in Korea than we did in the states. It was great to just sit and talk with someone and to know that even though we are separated by distance, we can still collaborate and plot for Thanksgiving as always. Since I don't know when we have built a beautiful friendship. It has been such a blessing.
Lately, I have also been finishing my graduate work early so I can have the weekends to work on my Christmas cards. I am hoping to find my old Christmas letters to add to that blog, but that will come in time. I am just thankful for the responses to address I have received and the headway I have made at getting the letters out.
As the weather changes, finally, here in Texas, I am reminded that my adventure back to NJ is rapidly approaching. I hope to also see an old friend as she gets ready to watch her sister get married. I also get to see such a blessing for my brother when I return to the North during Thanksgiving. Tomorrow I also am blessed to be able to spend Halloween helping my little ones experience adventure at fall festivals and hunting for candy. :)
Well off to continue Christmas cards or snuggle next to someone warm. It's a bit cold outside!
Sunday, October 30
Sunday, October 9
One year ago...
I wanted to wait until I had finished all of my homework for the end of this class before I wrote about today. I have wanted to write about it all day, so now I finally get to.
One year ago today, I woke up to get ready to hit the snooze button before getting ready for work when I saw a text from my dad. The text told me that grandpa died during the night. After that, I didn't tell anyone until after school. I went through the day as if nothing was different. Of course, when I did tell people they were upset with me that I didn't tell them, but I didn't want to start with the sympathies. I needed to get through the day with my kids and it was a Friday, so that means it was crazy anyway.
I had homework to do that night and I am sure grading. There was probably also a football game that I talked myself out of. All I truly remember is walking through the day almost in a daze and then trying to figure out how I was getting home for the memorial. I already knew I was going to miss the viewing, which I wish that I didn't, but it was necessary. I am so grateful my aunt and uncle made it possible for me to see him before he died. I am glad that I decided to go. They were also the ones that helped to ease my worries about making it to the memorial service.
A year ago today, I still had a job. I was working and stressed, but had a job doing something that I love with cute little munkins. I had friends that I worked with that I enjoyed spending time with. Sadly, I actually enjoyed the stress. I must say that I actually have been enjoying the time of rest that God has granted to me, but sometimes I grow weary of it.
You want to know the best part about this time of rest though? I have been able to catch up on sleep, which I love. I was able to attend my cousin, Chris's wedding. During that time, I was able to spend quality time with my mom and family, which was so nice. I loved the shopping and bonding time with mom the most of course. The only bad part was the travelling. I am also able to attend Thanksgiving again, along with my brother's wedding and some extra time at home. I guess I should really not complain, but it would be nice to be able to have money to lavish on other people or go out sometimes again.
Well, I believe that it is time for me to head to bed now so I can start my break tomorrow. :)
One year ago today, I woke up to get ready to hit the snooze button before getting ready for work when I saw a text from my dad. The text told me that grandpa died during the night. After that, I didn't tell anyone until after school. I went through the day as if nothing was different. Of course, when I did tell people they were upset with me that I didn't tell them, but I didn't want to start with the sympathies. I needed to get through the day with my kids and it was a Friday, so that means it was crazy anyway.
I had homework to do that night and I am sure grading. There was probably also a football game that I talked myself out of. All I truly remember is walking through the day almost in a daze and then trying to figure out how I was getting home for the memorial. I already knew I was going to miss the viewing, which I wish that I didn't, but it was necessary. I am so grateful my aunt and uncle made it possible for me to see him before he died. I am glad that I decided to go. They were also the ones that helped to ease my worries about making it to the memorial service.
A year ago today, I still had a job. I was working and stressed, but had a job doing something that I love with cute little munkins. I had friends that I worked with that I enjoyed spending time with. Sadly, I actually enjoyed the stress. I must say that I actually have been enjoying the time of rest that God has granted to me, but sometimes I grow weary of it.
You want to know the best part about this time of rest though? I have been able to catch up on sleep, which I love. I was able to attend my cousin, Chris's wedding. During that time, I was able to spend quality time with my mom and family, which was so nice. I loved the shopping and bonding time with mom the most of course. The only bad part was the travelling. I am also able to attend Thanksgiving again, along with my brother's wedding and some extra time at home. I guess I should really not complain, but it would be nice to be able to have money to lavish on other people or go out sometimes again.
Well, I believe that it is time for me to head to bed now so I can start my break tomorrow. :)
Monday, September 5
Heaven is For Real
Since school started a week or so ago, things have not been easy. Sleep is sporadic, but I take it when it comes. I have chosen to forget that I am jobless and that in my brain equated to "no one wants you". It has filled me with many emotions and different people. Anger, rage, hurt, disappointment, betrayal, and the list goes on. Mostly, I am frustrated that I seem to no longer have a purpose for things. I complete graduate work and do nothing else with my day. I have no energy and no love for life... or anything for that matter.
As I went to sleep tonight, I decided to read a bit on my lovely Nook. I had seen a few of my friends comment on how wonderful Heaven is For Real was to read, so I decided I should read it. I had just finished a series, so I decided I could do this one to have a change in flavor. I flew through the book and was amazed. It was a good read and made me truly think. Funny how lately I had been thinking about death, heaven, hell, and the reality of God. I must say that this whole job and life in general has put a toll on my faith and my reality... if I ever really had one. There are many times when I know what I believe and others where I am like "who am I kidding?". I can speak so much truth and yet not believe it all myself. Sometimes, all the time, when things come out of my mouth laced with truth and love from the throne, I know that is exactly where it comes. It is not really ever out of my mouth, but His speaking to whom ever I am physically talking to. It always amazes me, but then I wonder how I lack so much in faith.
After reading that book, it brought a lot of thoughts to my mind, especially because it's almost a year since Grandpa died. He is truly the first person in my life who has died that I was close to, that had any meaning in my life. I always wondered in truth whether those who have died watch us and truly look over us from heaven. In my loneliness many things go through my mind. These years of living completely alone have been so difficult and pulling at my faith. When I began living on my own, November 2009, started the hardest parts of my life. I had never truly lived alone until then. Living with other people around you changes things. Yes, there are times when we all need a little "me time" and solitude, but not all the time. Teaching gave me other people with whom to interact, but now I have once again succeeded in cutting myself off from most all other living flesh. I hardly leave the house and wonder how my Grandma does it. After being married and living with my Grandpa for over 50 years, how does she live alone? I cannot imagine! How does she keep her prayer life and seeking after God so strong with all that loneliness and with that void? I cannot fathom it! However, while I was at her house during my week with her, I noticed I found God a lot more within that house. I woke up while she was out walking and would bask in the sweet presence of God in the cool mornings with nature on her porch. Later, she told me that was Grandpa's favorite spot too... the porch. I could not help but bask in that beauty. I spent most of my time out there and accomplish the most productive work of my graduate career out there. I think I probably owe a lot of that to the prayer that the house was surely covered in. After reading that book, reflecting on my time at her house, and looking at my own loneliness struggles, I admire my Grandma more for her strength... or at least the strength that she portrays. I know that we all have our own struggles and when people are around it is easier to forget about them, but I do not believe that is the case with her.
Anyway, these have been my sleepless thoughts since I finished the book 3 hours ago. I should have gotten more rest since I planned on getting my nails done today before heading over to lunch with Lizzy and the family. My nails are coming up and it's getting caught on my hair! Today will be one of those strength for others days when I will go there, be fine, and have fun only to come home and be hit with the harsh realization that I am still alone in this apartment without a job. Sigh. I do not like this at all. Perhaps this is my sign that I cannot deal with this on my own anymore and should seek out more help? Hmm... a thought to contemplate. The book has definitely sparked some thought and made me wish I was back in my "shouting days" and love of singing, God, and others. I was a zealous middle schooler/high schooler. I wish I could go back to that era, before my world changed at 16.... but we must not live in the victories and zeal of the past.
Now to try at get some sleep before my alarm goes off at 9! Sleeping to the Gateway College Choir... awesome choir with awesome anointing if you needed some good listening!
As I went to sleep tonight, I decided to read a bit on my lovely Nook. I had seen a few of my friends comment on how wonderful Heaven is For Real was to read, so I decided I should read it. I had just finished a series, so I decided I could do this one to have a change in flavor. I flew through the book and was amazed. It was a good read and made me truly think. Funny how lately I had been thinking about death, heaven, hell, and the reality of God. I must say that this whole job and life in general has put a toll on my faith and my reality... if I ever really had one. There are many times when I know what I believe and others where I am like "who am I kidding?". I can speak so much truth and yet not believe it all myself. Sometimes, all the time, when things come out of my mouth laced with truth and love from the throne, I know that is exactly where it comes. It is not really ever out of my mouth, but His speaking to whom ever I am physically talking to. It always amazes me, but then I wonder how I lack so much in faith.
After reading that book, it brought a lot of thoughts to my mind, especially because it's almost a year since Grandpa died. He is truly the first person in my life who has died that I was close to, that had any meaning in my life. I always wondered in truth whether those who have died watch us and truly look over us from heaven. In my loneliness many things go through my mind. These years of living completely alone have been so difficult and pulling at my faith. When I began living on my own, November 2009, started the hardest parts of my life. I had never truly lived alone until then. Living with other people around you changes things. Yes, there are times when we all need a little "me time" and solitude, but not all the time. Teaching gave me other people with whom to interact, but now I have once again succeeded in cutting myself off from most all other living flesh. I hardly leave the house and wonder how my Grandma does it. After being married and living with my Grandpa for over 50 years, how does she live alone? I cannot imagine! How does she keep her prayer life and seeking after God so strong with all that loneliness and with that void? I cannot fathom it! However, while I was at her house during my week with her, I noticed I found God a lot more within that house. I woke up while she was out walking and would bask in the sweet presence of God in the cool mornings with nature on her porch. Later, she told me that was Grandpa's favorite spot too... the porch. I could not help but bask in that beauty. I spent most of my time out there and accomplish the most productive work of my graduate career out there. I think I probably owe a lot of that to the prayer that the house was surely covered in. After reading that book, reflecting on my time at her house, and looking at my own loneliness struggles, I admire my Grandma more for her strength... or at least the strength that she portrays. I know that we all have our own struggles and when people are around it is easier to forget about them, but I do not believe that is the case with her.
Anyway, these have been my sleepless thoughts since I finished the book 3 hours ago. I should have gotten more rest since I planned on getting my nails done today before heading over to lunch with Lizzy and the family. My nails are coming up and it's getting caught on my hair! Today will be one of those strength for others days when I will go there, be fine, and have fun only to come home and be hit with the harsh realization that I am still alone in this apartment without a job. Sigh. I do not like this at all. Perhaps this is my sign that I cannot deal with this on my own anymore and should seek out more help? Hmm... a thought to contemplate. The book has definitely sparked some thought and made me wish I was back in my "shouting days" and love of singing, God, and others. I was a zealous middle schooler/high schooler. I wish I could go back to that era, before my world changed at 16.... but we must not live in the victories and zeal of the past.
Now to try at get some sleep before my alarm goes off at 9! Sleeping to the Gateway College Choir... awesome choir with awesome anointing if you needed some good listening!
Friday, August 19
Procrastination
Sometimes I sit and wonder how procrastination became my friend. So often we sit and debate with each other about what to do. I don't quite remember when we became friends. I believe it just crept upon me. I got to know procrastination as a middle schooler (or that's as far back as I can remember). Between the art of B.S. (brilliant storytelling according to Dr. Johnson) that was learned at an early age and the leniency of teacher with a hint of intelligence, I think procrastination found all the common thread of a friendship. Over the years, procrastination has been there for me, but a good friend no more. I need to drop this friendship quickly and find a new friend. I have been trying to get to know self-determination and motivation lately, but they are having a hard time connecting with me since procrastination and I have been friends for so long. In recent years, procrastination has not controlled me as much as it used to in earlier years, but I still believe the friendship has come to an end. I am just not sure if new friends will come along or not and how strong those bonds will be in the future. I am not good with letting go... and procrastination is one that I will have trouble with because we have been friends for so long. However, I believe that perhaps it is time.
Thoughts? How did you break your friendship with procrastination?
Thoughts? How did you break your friendship with procrastination?
Sunday, August 7
The Help
So I have decided that if I don't have any interviews, which I probably won't, I am going to see The Help in theaters this week. It looks like it would be a good movie and something I would totally do. Lol. If you know me, you would know what I mean by that.
The job search has not been proving to go well. Good part is that I am having places to put in applications to write down as "job searches". That way I can still get unemployment. I am hoping not to be a last minute hire, but it looks like it might have to be that way. That hardships that go with last minute hiring are throwing together a classroom, getting to know people and curriculum on a whim, and possibly moving if necessary. It can get very tricky very fast. I just hope that it won't be extremely difficult. I have been through some tough 3 years. They were not all the same level of difficulty, but difficult just the same.
As I am towards the end of my summer coursework, I am beginning to look forward to completing my Masters in May. It doesn't seem so far away now. I just pray that I can finish this summer out strong to finish my my summer GPA with a 4.0. It looks promising, but I have two more weeks left.
Now if only my body could get out of wack and put itself back on schedule, life would almost be back to normal. lol.
The job search has not been proving to go well. Good part is that I am having places to put in applications to write down as "job searches". That way I can still get unemployment. I am hoping not to be a last minute hire, but it looks like it might have to be that way. That hardships that go with last minute hiring are throwing together a classroom, getting to know people and curriculum on a whim, and possibly moving if necessary. It can get very tricky very fast. I just hope that it won't be extremely difficult. I have been through some tough 3 years. They were not all the same level of difficulty, but difficult just the same.
As I am towards the end of my summer coursework, I am beginning to look forward to completing my Masters in May. It doesn't seem so far away now. I just pray that I can finish this summer out strong to finish my my summer GPA with a 4.0. It looks promising, but I have two more weeks left.
Now if only my body could get out of wack and put itself back on schedule, life would almost be back to normal. lol.
Monday, August 1
Patience
Since losing my job, I always have good thoughts and intentions, but actions never follow through. I have gotten so discouraged. I need extra motivation and extra push, but where do I find that? Relying on others is so tough. I need a friend to just come in and help me accomplish what needs to be done and keep me motivated.
I think that I put on the image of handling things well. I am not. I am so torn, distraught, and broken with all of this. Lying to myself about being ok and lying to others is so much easier. Unless you have been in the same situation, it is hard to understand. I feel pretty betrayed and unwanted. I feel inadequate. I am still trying to hold out and hold on to the hope that will come through, but it is getting extremely difficult. It's hard to do when you feel so alone. The uncertainty of everything is weighing heavily on me. The longer this takes, the heavier the weight of it all is.
I am trying to stay positive and take things one day at a time. I am keeping up with my studies and my 4.0 goal. I need to spend more time with friends, but I feel like I am such a downer that I can't do that. I don't want to burden them and everyone else has a job and life to live. I am truly just ready for God to open up this next chapter. I am ready for this chapter to end and turn to the next page to see what happens.
I think that I put on the image of handling things well. I am not. I am so torn, distraught, and broken with all of this. Lying to myself about being ok and lying to others is so much easier. Unless you have been in the same situation, it is hard to understand. I feel pretty betrayed and unwanted. I feel inadequate. I am still trying to hold out and hold on to the hope that will come through, but it is getting extremely difficult. It's hard to do when you feel so alone. The uncertainty of everything is weighing heavily on me. The longer this takes, the heavier the weight of it all is.
I am trying to stay positive and take things one day at a time. I am keeping up with my studies and my 4.0 goal. I need to spend more time with friends, but I feel like I am such a downer that I can't do that. I don't want to burden them and everyone else has a job and life to live. I am truly just ready for God to open up this next chapter. I am ready for this chapter to end and turn to the next page to see what happens.
Monday, June 27
Searching
I am quite confused, while frustrated. I cannot believe how things went. I am mad. I am bewildered. I just need to walk out to the beach and scream or sit with music or a good friend... none of which I can do right now. I am far to exhausted with life and events to do much except exist.
On a positive note, I may end up finding exactly who and what God wants for my life. New times, new adventures, and new people? I also meet the "ladies-in-law-to-be" today with the bros. That was a lovely time of laughs and awkwardness. :) It made me wish we all lived in the same area. The weirdness was when people got "lovey-dovey" and there was no "couple" for me to be a part of. I usually floated between couples... until mini golf. We all got together really well as a whole group. The couples thing made it difficult and awkward at times, but it is something that I need to get used to with distances as they are and situations as they are. All part of my life choices and directions.
On a positive note, I may end up finding exactly who and what God wants for my life. New times, new adventures, and new people? I also meet the "ladies-in-law-to-be" today with the bros. That was a lovely time of laughs and awkwardness. :) It made me wish we all lived in the same area. The weirdness was when people got "lovey-dovey" and there was no "couple" for me to be a part of. I usually floated between couples... until mini golf. We all got together really well as a whole group. The couples thing made it difficult and awkward at times, but it is something that I need to get used to with distances as they are and situations as they are. All part of my life choices and directions.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
