Since today is Monday, that means today begins my last semester as a Master's student in Curriculum and Instruction. I mention the particular degree because I am unsure whether or not this will be my last degree in the Master field. I also cannot say that it is my last graduate degree either because I might head towards that much elusive Doctorate. I want to feel accomplished and like all my hard work and God-given brains has done something productive. Being unemployed has quickly dampened that feeling. I feel so often that my gift of teaching and the intellect that has been given to me has been wasted. I know that I contribute to the education of those few that I am tutoring and of course, to my fellow classmates, but that doesn't feel like enough. I love to teach! I do not care in what capacity, but I want to teach and make a difference to many. I have been given that ability and not being able to use it is so stifling!! Imagine doing something that you love and knowing that you are giving your all and people agree that you do it well, and then having it taken from you. After that, you are constantly told that your abilities and background are not what they are looking for. It's like being told that you are constantly not good enough.
I hate that feeling.
Yes, I know that I should not judge my worth and such by others and their standards. I get that. It does not change how I feel. I do not know how to do much else but teach. To pay all my bills, especially the upcoming educational ones, I cannot afford to start over again or not get a job in the field of education. Although teachers are greatly underpaid for what they do every day, I would be satisfied and content to have a teacher's salary with benefits. I would love to be able to afford the health insurance that I had so I can keep my doctors.
I cut myself off from people. I do it so I do not have to rely on them to help with monetary things. It is so much easier to deny offers to go out and hang out if you are no longer offered those experiences because you have distanced yourself. I won't have to worry about the gas required to get there or someone coming to pick me up and having to rely on them. I won't have to worry about what my part of the bill will be or praying that they might offer to cover them tab, even after my obligatory refusal to be polite.
I hate that feeling.
I hope that this degree finishing might be able to open some doors for me. I am pretty unsure of where to go from here. I am leaving it in God's hands, but all this uncertainty and waiting is scaring me. I keep searching and applying for jobs, now without caring where in the state they are. I know that He has a greater purpose, He always does... but gosh! Does it have to be so scary and almost defeating? I know, in our weakest hours, that is when He is the strongest and able to show that it was nothing else but the power of God. There are lots of things that I know. I can spout off things left and right. I tend to have the right words to say at the right time. Another beautiful quality that I thank God for giving to me. However, I have realized that knowing and truly, deep-heartedly believing are two extremely different things. I am pretty scared and unsure.
I hate that feeling.
Until the feeling goes and God brings about the change and deliverance I need, I will have to keep pressing through and muddling through what is now known as my life. Striving for and seeking to do the best that I am able to give and let God take it and do with it what He will. He has helped me to accomplish so much, so I know that He can do so much more. I just wish that it would happen sooner, but everything all in His time... right?
So now I wait...
Monday, January 9
Friday, December 30
New year... new prospects?
This week has been a rough one. It started with Christmas until now. I can't say that Christmas was horrible because it was good. I felt loved and remembered in the beginning half, but felt forgotten and left out in the second half. It was a difficult realization. Since then, it has been difficult having those thoughts in my head.
Then this week, I was looking at jobs like I always do and felt so hopeless. I tried looking outside my field, but anything that would even begin to cover bills (plus insurance which I need but can't afford) needs more experience and education within that field. Oh how I wish I was in a classroom teaching! Looking into subbing has proved to be discouraging as well. If I go into subbing, I would have to rely solely on subbing and subbing jobs to support myself, which also would probably not be enough. Then during spring break, I would not make anything (not good) and would have to find some sort of summer job to support myself. All this I would need to do while continuing to look for a permanent job.
Although I know that there are many people that are worse off than myself, it would be so much more helpful to have family that lived near by that I could move in with (and not be a burden) and put my stuff in storage. I find myself so often on the verge of tears and then play mindless computer games or watch tv to keep my mind from thinking. It becomes so overwhelming at times. I wish there was a job that I could work, that I was qualified for, that would support me, that would allow me to continue the tutoring commitments I already have, and that was available! Sigh. I know that God supplies all of my needs, but it is so scary to think of not being able to pay my bills and being evicted out of my apartment. :( I cannot help but be fearful and worry. I feel like I would have no where to really go. It gets so lonely here sometimes when I realize how far away people that could help me are. Sadly, I also realize that even if I was living with them, I would have trouble finding a job there as well.
I just really need a miracle... or a job or of money to cover me until that job comes available. I search relentlessly without any glimmers of hope. I keep hoping and praying that as the "normal" hiring time comes around (Feb, Mar, Apr) that people will be hiring even though budget cuts are still coming.
On a semi-positive note, I am working out again. It feels really good. I am taking it slower, but it is helping me feel "happier" during the day and makes me sleep better at night. It helps a lot and will help my image as well. I am hoping by the time I end up getting a job that I will be in shape and it will be a lifestyle for me. I have worked hard to cook better and we will see how it works. Travis seems to be liking my cooking, so I guess it can't be that bad. I am walking in my dad's shoes... testing out my recipes and cooking methods on myself and Travis. :) So far, I haven't made anyone sick. Hopefully, I will begin to take more of an interest in cooking and go shopping based upon recipes and using fresh food. I imagine I could spend a month with my cousin, Anne, and she could teach me how to cook healthy and master a bunch of different recipes.
Then this week, I was looking at jobs like I always do and felt so hopeless. I tried looking outside my field, but anything that would even begin to cover bills (plus insurance which I need but can't afford) needs more experience and education within that field. Oh how I wish I was in a classroom teaching! Looking into subbing has proved to be discouraging as well. If I go into subbing, I would have to rely solely on subbing and subbing jobs to support myself, which also would probably not be enough. Then during spring break, I would not make anything (not good) and would have to find some sort of summer job to support myself. All this I would need to do while continuing to look for a permanent job.
Although I know that there are many people that are worse off than myself, it would be so much more helpful to have family that lived near by that I could move in with (and not be a burden) and put my stuff in storage. I find myself so often on the verge of tears and then play mindless computer games or watch tv to keep my mind from thinking. It becomes so overwhelming at times. I wish there was a job that I could work, that I was qualified for, that would support me, that would allow me to continue the tutoring commitments I already have, and that was available! Sigh. I know that God supplies all of my needs, but it is so scary to think of not being able to pay my bills and being evicted out of my apartment. :( I cannot help but be fearful and worry. I feel like I would have no where to really go. It gets so lonely here sometimes when I realize how far away people that could help me are. Sadly, I also realize that even if I was living with them, I would have trouble finding a job there as well.
I just really need a miracle... or a job or of money to cover me until that job comes available. I search relentlessly without any glimmers of hope. I keep hoping and praying that as the "normal" hiring time comes around (Feb, Mar, Apr) that people will be hiring even though budget cuts are still coming.
On a semi-positive note, I am working out again. It feels really good. I am taking it slower, but it is helping me feel "happier" during the day and makes me sleep better at night. It helps a lot and will help my image as well. I am hoping by the time I end up getting a job that I will be in shape and it will be a lifestyle for me. I have worked hard to cook better and we will see how it works. Travis seems to be liking my cooking, so I guess it can't be that bad. I am walking in my dad's shoes... testing out my recipes and cooking methods on myself and Travis. :) So far, I haven't made anyone sick. Hopefully, I will begin to take more of an interest in cooking and go shopping based upon recipes and using fresh food. I imagine I could spend a month with my cousin, Anne, and she could teach me how to cook healthy and master a bunch of different recipes.
Monday, November 28
Dave and Sarah's Rehearsal
Please don't mind the wobbling camera or the peanut gallery comments. :)
In this video, I wanted to capture the wonderful music, which I capture in later clips.
In this video, I wanted to capture the wonderful music, which I capture in later clips.
In this clip, I give a tour of the wedding ceremony area and the reception area.
This is the beginning of the clip of the wedding rehearsal in order.
Thursday, November 24
Thanksgiving... (mainly for Anne)
Wednesday - Arrival day for many. It ended up that most of us were able to meet up at dinner time. It was nice to be able to see everyone. After dinner, Kaitlyn convinced me to play in the pool, where I sat on the edge. Megan joined in while the rest of the family talked and played cards by the pool side. It was rare to see someone by themselves or in a room. When people were finally heading to bed, Kaitlyn still wanted to play, but conceeded to go to bed with the promise of more adventures the next day.
Thursday -- Happy Thanksgiving! Surprisingly many of us got up early in the morning and headed out to breakfast. I got to sit with Uncle Lance, Auntie M, Andrew, and Sarah. We had lots of interesting conversation. Following that, many of us sat around talking while we Skyped you. An old PE teacher came from the Double Tree side to visit with the siblings of your mom.
Then we started to get ready for Thanksgiving. The grownups met with Grandma first and then the rest of us came in for the service. The cousins led a lot of it, while Aunt Sandy led the order and Uncle Lance led the "tuning" of the songs. It went very well. They got emotional as I spoke and especially when I got to the part that Anne (you) wrote. It was very meaningful for many of them. We of course, sang How Great Thou Art. Most of us at my table, commented on how much better the food was compared to previous years, especially last year! The food was divine!
Afte eating came the dreaded pictures, but they went suprisingly quick this year. I was impressed. Immediately following, Kaitlyn changed into swimwear and convinced me to sit by the side of the pool and watch again as Megan and Emily joined her. Finally, I got her out as the water got colder.
Aunt Sandy took out Toy Story 3 uno which was played by many different people before and following the food time. The "snack" time was pretty good. We even had John's girlfriend come to Thanksgiving and meet the family. For now, I have become Kaitlyn's best friend and babysitter until I leave for wedding festivities. Most of the grownups are now playing cards and we were shown a Thanksgiving photo book thing from 2000 with lots of pictures of us and things we wrote to Pop-Pop and Mom-Mom about why we were thankful. We were so little and "cute" then!
Until later...
Thursday -- Happy Thanksgiving! Surprisingly many of us got up early in the morning and headed out to breakfast. I got to sit with Uncle Lance, Auntie M, Andrew, and Sarah. We had lots of interesting conversation. Following that, many of us sat around talking while we Skyped you. An old PE teacher came from the Double Tree side to visit with the siblings of your mom.
Then we started to get ready for Thanksgiving. The grownups met with Grandma first and then the rest of us came in for the service. The cousins led a lot of it, while Aunt Sandy led the order and Uncle Lance led the "tuning" of the songs. It went very well. They got emotional as I spoke and especially when I got to the part that Anne (you) wrote. It was very meaningful for many of them. We of course, sang How Great Thou Art. Most of us at my table, commented on how much better the food was compared to previous years, especially last year! The food was divine!
Afte eating came the dreaded pictures, but they went suprisingly quick this year. I was impressed. Immediately following, Kaitlyn changed into swimwear and convinced me to sit by the side of the pool and watch again as Megan and Emily joined her. Finally, I got her out as the water got colder.
Aunt Sandy took out Toy Story 3 uno which was played by many different people before and following the food time. The "snack" time was pretty good. We even had John's girlfriend come to Thanksgiving and meet the family. For now, I have become Kaitlyn's best friend and babysitter until I leave for wedding festivities. Most of the grownups are now playing cards and we were shown a Thanksgiving photo book thing from 2000 with lots of pictures of us and things we wrote to Pop-Pop and Mom-Mom about why we were thankful. We were so little and "cute" then!
Until later...
Friday, November 4
Reverting
So today begins day 3 of my new workout attempt. I think I secretly want to be skinny and pretty for Thanksgiving and my brother's wedding. My vanity came out to play. I believe I have placed it back where it belong and am back to doing it for the right reasons again. It makes me wonder how often in my life I have looked good but swore to myself I was not acceptable until I look back years later. It makes me hate society for placing this mindset on women and myself for buying into it when I slip into that mindset. I am feeling the effects of working out though so I know that I am doing something right for my body. I also know that my "bf" will appreciate it since he enjoys working out. Thankfully he is not completely about my image, although I am sure he wouldn't mind me being a healthier weight but usually he is bugging me about being healthy, not my weight.
Now to the reverting part of my post. I know that lately I have been on my emotional days as I call them. Normally I am not a very emotional person but when you catch me on those days beware! :) I spoke to a friend that I thought I had lost connection with years ago. I had made peace with losing the friendship but open to regaining it if the opportunity arose. It was a relationship I had strong ties wih and associations with my high school years, not my emotionally fondest. I was a needy, hurt, angry, depressed teen. I have grown a lot since then. I would say more through suppression, but through current friendships and relationships I believe I have been dealing with much of it now. This long desired conversation brought back many of the old feelings from that time period, especially since I am overly emotional now as it is. I am beyond determined to not go back to NJ and become a shy and submissive person. I have become someone much more independent and self-sufficient. I am going back a stronger person. However, if I do find myself reverting back when I get there I will know whether or not I have dealt with issues from my past. Subconscious memory does that to us, informs us when we are not ok. I believe I am ready though and this conversational regression was just from me being emotional. I just found it so odd how much I still had hidden away that one conversation brought up!
On a good note, I am mostly finished with my homework for the week, which means I can wrap all the presents for Texas people when they get here this weekend/beginning of next week. I also will be able to decorate the apartment for Christmas before I leave for Thanksgiving, which will be nice to come back to. Off to dreamland for a little bit so I can get the rest of my homework done. Apparently, I am on Korean time with my cousin again. :)
Now to the reverting part of my post. I know that lately I have been on my emotional days as I call them. Normally I am not a very emotional person but when you catch me on those days beware! :) I spoke to a friend that I thought I had lost connection with years ago. I had made peace with losing the friendship but open to regaining it if the opportunity arose. It was a relationship I had strong ties wih and associations with my high school years, not my emotionally fondest. I was a needy, hurt, angry, depressed teen. I have grown a lot since then. I would say more through suppression, but through current friendships and relationships I believe I have been dealing with much of it now. This long desired conversation brought back many of the old feelings from that time period, especially since I am overly emotional now as it is. I am beyond determined to not go back to NJ and become a shy and submissive person. I have become someone much more independent and self-sufficient. I am going back a stronger person. However, if I do find myself reverting back when I get there I will know whether or not I have dealt with issues from my past. Subconscious memory does that to us, informs us when we are not ok. I believe I am ready though and this conversational regression was just from me being emotional. I just found it so odd how much I still had hidden away that one conversation brought up!
On a good note, I am mostly finished with my homework for the week, which means I can wrap all the presents for Texas people when they get here this weekend/beginning of next week. I also will be able to decorate the apartment for Christmas before I leave for Thanksgiving, which will be nice to come back to. Off to dreamland for a little bit so I can get the rest of my homework done. Apparently, I am on Korean time with my cousin again. :)
Sunday, October 30
Korea cannot stop us
So yesterday was a good day. I believe my cousin and I talk more now that she is in Korea than we did in the states. It was great to just sit and talk with someone and to know that even though we are separated by distance, we can still collaborate and plot for Thanksgiving as always. Since I don't know when we have built a beautiful friendship. It has been such a blessing.
Lately, I have also been finishing my graduate work early so I can have the weekends to work on my Christmas cards. I am hoping to find my old Christmas letters to add to that blog, but that will come in time. I am just thankful for the responses to address I have received and the headway I have made at getting the letters out.
As the weather changes, finally, here in Texas, I am reminded that my adventure back to NJ is rapidly approaching. I hope to also see an old friend as she gets ready to watch her sister get married. I also get to see such a blessing for my brother when I return to the North during Thanksgiving. Tomorrow I also am blessed to be able to spend Halloween helping my little ones experience adventure at fall festivals and hunting for candy. :)
Well off to continue Christmas cards or snuggle next to someone warm. It's a bit cold outside!
Lately, I have also been finishing my graduate work early so I can have the weekends to work on my Christmas cards. I am hoping to find my old Christmas letters to add to that blog, but that will come in time. I am just thankful for the responses to address I have received and the headway I have made at getting the letters out.
As the weather changes, finally, here in Texas, I am reminded that my adventure back to NJ is rapidly approaching. I hope to also see an old friend as she gets ready to watch her sister get married. I also get to see such a blessing for my brother when I return to the North during Thanksgiving. Tomorrow I also am blessed to be able to spend Halloween helping my little ones experience adventure at fall festivals and hunting for candy. :)
Well off to continue Christmas cards or snuggle next to someone warm. It's a bit cold outside!
Sunday, October 9
One year ago...
I wanted to wait until I had finished all of my homework for the end of this class before I wrote about today. I have wanted to write about it all day, so now I finally get to.
One year ago today, I woke up to get ready to hit the snooze button before getting ready for work when I saw a text from my dad. The text told me that grandpa died during the night. After that, I didn't tell anyone until after school. I went through the day as if nothing was different. Of course, when I did tell people they were upset with me that I didn't tell them, but I didn't want to start with the sympathies. I needed to get through the day with my kids and it was a Friday, so that means it was crazy anyway.
I had homework to do that night and I am sure grading. There was probably also a football game that I talked myself out of. All I truly remember is walking through the day almost in a daze and then trying to figure out how I was getting home for the memorial. I already knew I was going to miss the viewing, which I wish that I didn't, but it was necessary. I am so grateful my aunt and uncle made it possible for me to see him before he died. I am glad that I decided to go. They were also the ones that helped to ease my worries about making it to the memorial service.
A year ago today, I still had a job. I was working and stressed, but had a job doing something that I love with cute little munkins. I had friends that I worked with that I enjoyed spending time with. Sadly, I actually enjoyed the stress. I must say that I actually have been enjoying the time of rest that God has granted to me, but sometimes I grow weary of it.
You want to know the best part about this time of rest though? I have been able to catch up on sleep, which I love. I was able to attend my cousin, Chris's wedding. During that time, I was able to spend quality time with my mom and family, which was so nice. I loved the shopping and bonding time with mom the most of course. The only bad part was the travelling. I am also able to attend Thanksgiving again, along with my brother's wedding and some extra time at home. I guess I should really not complain, but it would be nice to be able to have money to lavish on other people or go out sometimes again.
Well, I believe that it is time for me to head to bed now so I can start my break tomorrow. :)
One year ago today, I woke up to get ready to hit the snooze button before getting ready for work when I saw a text from my dad. The text told me that grandpa died during the night. After that, I didn't tell anyone until after school. I went through the day as if nothing was different. Of course, when I did tell people they were upset with me that I didn't tell them, but I didn't want to start with the sympathies. I needed to get through the day with my kids and it was a Friday, so that means it was crazy anyway.
I had homework to do that night and I am sure grading. There was probably also a football game that I talked myself out of. All I truly remember is walking through the day almost in a daze and then trying to figure out how I was getting home for the memorial. I already knew I was going to miss the viewing, which I wish that I didn't, but it was necessary. I am so grateful my aunt and uncle made it possible for me to see him before he died. I am glad that I decided to go. They were also the ones that helped to ease my worries about making it to the memorial service.
A year ago today, I still had a job. I was working and stressed, but had a job doing something that I love with cute little munkins. I had friends that I worked with that I enjoyed spending time with. Sadly, I actually enjoyed the stress. I must say that I actually have been enjoying the time of rest that God has granted to me, but sometimes I grow weary of it.
You want to know the best part about this time of rest though? I have been able to catch up on sleep, which I love. I was able to attend my cousin, Chris's wedding. During that time, I was able to spend quality time with my mom and family, which was so nice. I loved the shopping and bonding time with mom the most of course. The only bad part was the travelling. I am also able to attend Thanksgiving again, along with my brother's wedding and some extra time at home. I guess I should really not complain, but it would be nice to be able to have money to lavish on other people or go out sometimes again.
Well, I believe that it is time for me to head to bed now so I can start my break tomorrow. :)
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