Heaven is For Real

Since school started a week or so ago, things have not been easy. Sleep is sporadic, but I take it when it comes. I have chosen to forget that I am jobless and that in my brain equated to "no one wants you". It has filled me with many emotions and different people. Anger, rage, hurt, disappointment, betrayal, and the list goes on. Mostly, I am frustrated that I seem to no longer have a purpose for things. I complete graduate work and do nothing else with my day. I have no energy and no love for life... or anything for that matter.

As I went to sleep tonight, I decided to read a bit on my lovely Nook. I had seen a few of my friends comment on how wonderful Heaven is For Real was to read, so I decided I should read it. I had just finished a series, so I decided I could do this one to have a change in flavor. I flew through the book and was amazed. It was a good read and made me truly think. Funny how lately I had been thinking about death, heaven, hell, and the reality of God. I must say that this whole job and life in general has put a toll on my faith and my reality... if I ever really had one. There are many times when I know what I believe and others where I am like "who am I kidding?". I can speak so much truth and yet not believe it all myself. Sometimes, all the time, when things come out of my mouth laced with truth and love from the throne, I know that is exactly where it comes. It is not really ever out of my mouth, but His speaking to whom ever I am physically talking to. It always amazes me, but then I wonder how I lack so much in faith.

After reading that book, it brought a lot of thoughts to my mind, especially because it's almost a year since Grandpa died. He is truly the first person in my life who has died that I was close to, that had any meaning in my life. I always wondered in truth whether those who have died watch us and truly look over us from heaven. In my loneliness many things go through my mind. These years of living completely alone have been so difficult and pulling at my faith. When I began living on my own, November 2009, started the hardest parts of my life. I had never truly lived alone until then. Living with other people around you changes things. Yes, there are times when we all need a little "me time" and solitude, but not all the time. Teaching gave me other people with whom to interact, but now I have once again succeeded in cutting myself off from most all other living flesh. I hardly leave the house and wonder how my Grandma does it. After being married and living with my Grandpa for over 50 years, how does she live alone? I cannot imagine! How does she keep her prayer life and seeking after God so strong with all that loneliness and with that void? I cannot fathom it! However, while I was at her house during my week with her, I noticed I found God a lot more within that house. I woke up while she was out walking and would bask in the sweet presence of God in the cool mornings with nature on her porch. Later, she told me that was Grandpa's favorite spot too... the porch. I could not help but bask in that beauty. I spent most of my time out there and accomplish the most productive work of my graduate career out there. I think I probably owe a lot of that to the prayer that the house was surely covered in. After reading that book, reflecting on my time at her house, and looking at my own loneliness struggles, I admire my Grandma more for her strength... or at least the strength that she portrays. I know that we all have our own struggles and when people are around it is easier to forget about them, but I do not believe that is the case with her.

Anyway, these have been my sleepless thoughts since I finished the book 3 hours ago. I should have gotten more rest since I planned on getting my nails done today before heading over to lunch with Lizzy and the family. My nails are coming up and it's getting caught on my hair! Today will be one of those strength for others days when I will go there, be fine, and have fun only to come home and be hit with the harsh realization that I am still alone in this apartment without a job. Sigh. I do not like this at all. Perhaps this is my sign that I cannot deal with this on my own anymore and should seek out more help? Hmm... a thought to contemplate. The book has definitely sparked some thought and made me wish I was back in my "shouting days" and love of singing, God, and others. I was a zealous middle schooler/high schooler. I wish I could go back to that era, before my world changed at 16.... but we must not live in the victories and zeal of the past.

Now to try at get some sleep before my alarm goes off at 9! Sleeping to the Gateway College Choir... awesome choir with awesome anointing if you needed some good listening!

Procrastination

Sometimes I sit and wonder how procrastination became my friend. So often we sit and debate with each other about what to do. I don't quite remember when we became friends. I believe it just crept upon me. I got to know procrastination as a middle schooler (or that's as far back as I can remember). Between the art of B.S. (brilliant storytelling according to Dr. Johnson) that was learned at an early age and the leniency of teacher with a hint of intelligence, I think procrastination found all the common thread of a friendship. Over the years, procrastination has been there for me, but a good friend no more. I need to drop this friendship quickly and find a new friend. I have been trying to get to know self-determination and motivation lately, but they are having a hard time connecting with me since procrastination and I have been friends for so long. In recent years, procrastination has not controlled me as much as it used to in earlier years, but I still believe the friendship has come to an end. I am just not sure if new friends will come along or not and how strong those bonds will be in the future. I am not good with letting go... and procrastination is one that I will have trouble with because we have been friends for so long. However, I believe that perhaps it is time.

Thoughts? How did you break your friendship with procrastination?

The Help

So I have decided that if I don't have any interviews, which I probably won't, I am going to see The Help in theaters this week. It looks like it would be a good movie and something I would totally do. Lol. If you know me, you would know what I mean by that.

The job search has not been proving to go well. Good part is that I am having places to put in applications to write down as "job searches". That way I can still get unemployment. I am hoping not to be a last minute hire, but it looks like it might have to be that way. That hardships that go with last minute hiring are throwing together a classroom, getting to know people and curriculum on a whim, and possibly moving if necessary. It can get very tricky very fast. I just hope that it won't be extremely difficult. I have been through some tough 3 years. They were not all the same level of difficulty, but difficult just the same.

As I am towards the end of my summer coursework, I am beginning to look forward to completing my Masters in May. It doesn't seem so far away now. I just pray that I can finish this summer out strong to finish my my summer GPA with a 4.0. It looks promising, but I have two more weeks left.

Now if only my body could get out of wack and put itself back on schedule, life would almost be back to normal. lol.

Patience

Since losing my job, I always have good thoughts and intentions, but actions never follow through. I have gotten so discouraged. I need extra motivation and extra push, but where do I find that? Relying on others is so tough. I need a friend to just come in and help me accomplish what needs to be done and keep me motivated.
I think that I put on the image of handling things well. I am not. I am so torn, distraught, and broken with all of this. Lying to myself about being ok and lying to others is so much easier. Unless you have been in the same situation, it is hard to understand. I feel pretty betrayed and unwanted. I feel inadequate. I am still trying to hold out and hold on to the hope that will come through, but it is getting extremely difficult. It's hard to do when you feel so alone. The uncertainty of everything is weighing heavily on me. The longer this takes, the heavier the weight of it all is.

I am trying to stay positive and take things one day at a time. I am keeping up with my studies and my 4.0 goal. I need to spend more time with friends, but I feel like I am such a downer that I can't do that. I don't want to burden them and everyone else has a job and life to live. I am truly just ready for God to open up this next chapter. I am ready for this chapter to end and turn to the next page to see what happens.

Searching

I am quite confused, while frustrated. I cannot believe how things went. I am mad. I am bewildered. I just need to walk out to the beach and scream or sit with music or a good friend... none of which I can do right now. I am far to exhausted with life and events to do much except exist.

On a positive note, I may end up finding exactly who and what God wants for my life. New times, new adventures, and new people? I also meet the "ladies-in-law-to-be" today with the bros. That was a lovely time of laughs and awkwardness. :) It made me wish we all lived in the same area. The weirdness was when people got "lovey-dovey" and there was no "couple" for me to be a part of. I usually floated between couples... until mini golf. We all got together really well as a whole group. The couples thing made it difficult and awkward at times, but it is something that I need to get used to with distances as they are and situations as they are. All part of my life choices and directions.

Real and true?

I am not sure if this is real or if it is true. I keep telling myself that it is what I want and that it's my dream. There are many times though when I am not sure. I often sit and wonder if there is more out there. I think about there being something better out there. Maybe there is something that fits all the criteria. Maybe I am settling for what I only think I am capable of deserving.

Homesick

Today I got kind of homesick. I must say that this weekend, I have been procrastinating and acting like I have no work to do. I think I am pretending that it is already summer when it is not yet. lol. I was talking to my best friend and it's just weird to think how far apart I have grown from so many people. It has been almost 2 years since I have been back to NJ (minus the visit to my sick grandfather and his funeral in October). Things have just been crazy. I don't know how I will handle being back there this time. Here sort of feels like home, but since this is a rented apartment I cannot do anything I want to it. I am ready to get a house that I can put my own touch on. I am ready to make a "home" out of where I am living. Going back is going to be really weird. There are a lot of changes and people who are not there. There are many people that I have not spoken to in ages. That could always be awkward. I hope that the friendships that I had built over the years have lasted the test of time and distance. However, so often so many of us put on fake fasades to appease other people. Why should we lie to ourselves and each other? It only makes things worse and harder to deal with later.

I truly do wonder how many are really my friends. I know that I should know, but I am so unsure. My best friend said today that I should really know by now who my true friends are. I can't say that I honestly could say for sure who I would want to keep or cut out. I know that a lot of people have moved on with their lives, and not really forgotten about our friendship but life happens. It has happened on my end too. I just wonder how many people I could truly say that we are being honest and true to each other's friendship. How many are putting on a facade? How many are being happy and pleasant to make it through the visit? How many truly do miss me and care about me the way I do for them? I know that I am THE WORST ever at communicating with people and letting them know I am here and care, but truly it does go both ways. It cannot rely solely on one person. I think for so long I felt like it relied solely on me to iniate the conservations and visits. I mean, I do go up there and hardly any of them come down here to see me. Between being here for college and then living here, I think I eventually got tired of being the first person to start a conversation or to request a visit. I am just so tired of having to try so hard. I know that relationship, including friendships, require work to stay alive, but it really shouldn't be this hard or feel this one-sided right?

Thoughts?