Procrastination

Sometimes I sit and wonder how procrastination became my friend. So often we sit and debate with each other about what to do. I don't quite remember when we became friends. I believe it just crept upon me. I got to know procrastination as a middle schooler (or that's as far back as I can remember). Between the art of B.S. (brilliant storytelling according to Dr. Johnson) that was learned at an early age and the leniency of teacher with a hint of intelligence, I think procrastination found all the common thread of a friendship. Over the years, procrastination has been there for me, but a good friend no more. I need to drop this friendship quickly and find a new friend. I have been trying to get to know self-determination and motivation lately, but they are having a hard time connecting with me since procrastination and I have been friends for so long. In recent years, procrastination has not controlled me as much as it used to in earlier years, but I still believe the friendship has come to an end. I am just not sure if new friends will come along or not and how strong those bonds will be in the future. I am not good with letting go... and procrastination is one that I will have trouble with because we have been friends for so long. However, I believe that perhaps it is time.

Thoughts? How did you break your friendship with procrastination?

The Help

So I have decided that if I don't have any interviews, which I probably won't, I am going to see The Help in theaters this week. It looks like it would be a good movie and something I would totally do. Lol. If you know me, you would know what I mean by that.

The job search has not been proving to go well. Good part is that I am having places to put in applications to write down as "job searches". That way I can still get unemployment. I am hoping not to be a last minute hire, but it looks like it might have to be that way. That hardships that go with last minute hiring are throwing together a classroom, getting to know people and curriculum on a whim, and possibly moving if necessary. It can get very tricky very fast. I just hope that it won't be extremely difficult. I have been through some tough 3 years. They were not all the same level of difficulty, but difficult just the same.

As I am towards the end of my summer coursework, I am beginning to look forward to completing my Masters in May. It doesn't seem so far away now. I just pray that I can finish this summer out strong to finish my my summer GPA with a 4.0. It looks promising, but I have two more weeks left.

Now if only my body could get out of wack and put itself back on schedule, life would almost be back to normal. lol.

Patience

Since losing my job, I always have good thoughts and intentions, but actions never follow through. I have gotten so discouraged. I need extra motivation and extra push, but where do I find that? Relying on others is so tough. I need a friend to just come in and help me accomplish what needs to be done and keep me motivated.
I think that I put on the image of handling things well. I am not. I am so torn, distraught, and broken with all of this. Lying to myself about being ok and lying to others is so much easier. Unless you have been in the same situation, it is hard to understand. I feel pretty betrayed and unwanted. I feel inadequate. I am still trying to hold out and hold on to the hope that will come through, but it is getting extremely difficult. It's hard to do when you feel so alone. The uncertainty of everything is weighing heavily on me. The longer this takes, the heavier the weight of it all is.

I am trying to stay positive and take things one day at a time. I am keeping up with my studies and my 4.0 goal. I need to spend more time with friends, but I feel like I am such a downer that I can't do that. I don't want to burden them and everyone else has a job and life to live. I am truly just ready for God to open up this next chapter. I am ready for this chapter to end and turn to the next page to see what happens.

Searching

I am quite confused, while frustrated. I cannot believe how things went. I am mad. I am bewildered. I just need to walk out to the beach and scream or sit with music or a good friend... none of which I can do right now. I am far to exhausted with life and events to do much except exist.

On a positive note, I may end up finding exactly who and what God wants for my life. New times, new adventures, and new people? I also meet the "ladies-in-law-to-be" today with the bros. That was a lovely time of laughs and awkwardness. :) It made me wish we all lived in the same area. The weirdness was when people got "lovey-dovey" and there was no "couple" for me to be a part of. I usually floated between couples... until mini golf. We all got together really well as a whole group. The couples thing made it difficult and awkward at times, but it is something that I need to get used to with distances as they are and situations as they are. All part of my life choices and directions.

Real and true?

I am not sure if this is real or if it is true. I keep telling myself that it is what I want and that it's my dream. There are many times though when I am not sure. I often sit and wonder if there is more out there. I think about there being something better out there. Maybe there is something that fits all the criteria. Maybe I am settling for what I only think I am capable of deserving.

Homesick

Today I got kind of homesick. I must say that this weekend, I have been procrastinating and acting like I have no work to do. I think I am pretending that it is already summer when it is not yet. lol. I was talking to my best friend and it's just weird to think how far apart I have grown from so many people. It has been almost 2 years since I have been back to NJ (minus the visit to my sick grandfather and his funeral in October). Things have just been crazy. I don't know how I will handle being back there this time. Here sort of feels like home, but since this is a rented apartment I cannot do anything I want to it. I am ready to get a house that I can put my own touch on. I am ready to make a "home" out of where I am living. Going back is going to be really weird. There are a lot of changes and people who are not there. There are many people that I have not spoken to in ages. That could always be awkward. I hope that the friendships that I had built over the years have lasted the test of time and distance. However, so often so many of us put on fake fasades to appease other people. Why should we lie to ourselves and each other? It only makes things worse and harder to deal with later.

I truly do wonder how many are really my friends. I know that I should know, but I am so unsure. My best friend said today that I should really know by now who my true friends are. I can't say that I honestly could say for sure who I would want to keep or cut out. I know that a lot of people have moved on with their lives, and not really forgotten about our friendship but life happens. It has happened on my end too. I just wonder how many people I could truly say that we are being honest and true to each other's friendship. How many are putting on a facade? How many are being happy and pleasant to make it through the visit? How many truly do miss me and care about me the way I do for them? I know that I am THE WORST ever at communicating with people and letting them know I am here and care, but truly it does go both ways. It cannot rely solely on one person. I think for so long I felt like it relied solely on me to iniate the conservations and visits. I mean, I do go up there and hardly any of them come down here to see me. Between being here for college and then living here, I think I eventually got tired of being the first person to start a conversation or to request a visit. I am just so tired of having to try so hard. I know that relationship, including friendships, require work to stay alive, but it really shouldn't be this hard or feel this one-sided right?

Thoughts?

Lately...

So, it's been dramatic lately. I don't know what it is. Maybe there is something in the air. I am not quite sure. What I do know is that I am getting sick and tired of it. Job drama, family drama, friend drama, man drama... gosh. I don't know what other kind of drama there possibly could be left. I really do not intend to find out either. I am just ready for it to all be over.

Lately, sleep has not been evading me, just unwinding. I do not know how I cram so much into a day. It is quite ridiculous. All the stuff that I am doing for other people when I am not returning. I should have given up when I found out, but that's not my M.O. It just gets so frustrating to feel like you are doing so much when you are being booted for "not doing enough" and you feel like no one sees you, especially now that you are booted. Why do I care so much? Because I am committed and I was raised better than that. I just wish sometimes that others would realize I have a life too. I know that I am single and have no family here, but that almost makes it worse. When they are stressed or worn out, they have an escape. Where is mine? I feel like I have none.

I need to start going back to church. I really wish I had never stopped going. I just feel so overwhelmed and taken over. It's awful.

I just wish I knew what was going on lately. I wish I knew what life had in store. Friends... what are those? People in your life to call family? I don't know where those people lie... it's just so weird. I feel so lost and alone. I have maybe 1 to 3 people who I can truly say I trust with my life. It's probably not even the people you would think. A year ago it would have been so different, but now... life could go any way. I could go anyway.

Lately.... what the heck?