2 Timothy 1:7, Hebrews 11:1

NKJV "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."
NIV "For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline."

2 Timothy 1:7
Today, this verse came to me and made me think. I am trying not to be fearful or timid (mainly fearful) during this time. I cannot begin to express the strain it has placed on my emotions and where it has taken me. The walls that I have to put up for my own benefit are ridiculous. Sometimes you just have to put the walls up so you can make it through the day. But then as I was looking up the different translations of the verse (and posted the two I liked best), I realized that it is not me who is not fearful, but the spirit within me. When the Spirit is referred to, it means the Holy Spirit... the Comforter God gave us when Jesus ascended into Heaven. That Spirit that lives within me as a follower and believer in Christ is not one of fear or timidness. When I rely on and live by that Spirit, I will not be fearful or timid because my Spirit cannot be. The flesh so easily can make us live in fear and shy away from anything and everything, but the Spirit within gives us the courage and strength. It gives me power, love, and self-discipline.
The self-discipline to wake up every day and try to live each day to the fullest. The self-discipline to look for a job each and every day no matter how bleak it seems. The self-discipline to fill out each application despite the repetitive information that I write on each one. The self-discipline to not wallow in my situation no matter how long it has been like this.
The love to continue loving myself even though the situation can make me feel pretty worthless and like yesterday's trash. The love to allows me to continually love the people with whom I used to work that let me go because I know that it wasn't their fault, no matter how much I might want to blame them sometimes. The love that keeps me from snapping when things aren't going so hot that day.
The power to head my high knowing that I am a child of the King, even if I don't always feel like it. The power to walk into interviews with confidence, knowing I am a good teacher and a worthy candidate. The power to be myself and express my views on education freely. The power to overcome the darkness that constantly tries to consume me through this whole process.

Hebrews 11:1
NIV "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."
NLT "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see."
When speaking about faith, this is the verse that I hear the most. What a difficult thing faith is! Even with the Spirit inside that gives me all that 2 Timothy speaks of, faith is hard to grasp sometimes. I know that not much faith is needed to make things happen and sometimes our faith must be strengthened and increased. This has definitely been a difficult time for my faith and it shows. I cannot see the job that God has or even the light at the end of this tunnel. It has seemed so dark and unfruitful for so long. I almost wonder if there is even an end! But through faith in God and that He knows what is best, I can have faith in that end and job that I cannot see. Through faith, I can have confidence knowing that security of a job that I hope and long for will happen. Having that faith is just so difficult sometimes! I struggle with it so much, even though I know that God provides. He has provided and kept me thus far. I will admit that some great things and benefits have happened through this time of not being able to find work. I am grateful and thankful for the opportunities that have been given to me through it.
I know He has a great plan for my life and He holds me in His hand, but that big picture is so hard to see. It is scary not knowing. If you know me, then you know I always like to have a plan. I look at the best and worst outcomes of all situations and try to plan accordingly for whatever may happen. I know that God's plan is not always my own and am ready for a change in plans whenever. However, I like to know or have a semblance of what is going on. I'm one of those people that needs to have a box, but can work inside or outside the box. I just need you to draw me the box first.

How do you get through the dark tunnel that seems to have no light? How do you push past the fleshly fear and lack of faith that creeps in sometimes? I'd love to hear what your thoughts are.